SGA fic/comic - Zelenkamatch.com
Z E L E N K A M A T C H . C O M
Author: 
lillyjk
Artist: newkidfan
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard.
Genre: comic strip. crack!
Challenge: 
artword
Notes: Graphic heavy. 6 pages. (750x1400)
see the comic: Radek's most difficult match.
okay - this was done for an
artword challenge, and basically the object was to take an episode - we used Duet - and use the screen caps to tell a whole new story. I came up with the basic premise of Zelenka as Atlantis's matchmaker, and bounced around ideas with newkidfan.Here's what I sent her as an outline (the numbers were screencaps that I'd looked at when I was coming up with the outline):
Once upon a time, there was a very clever little man named Radek. (413) Radek was known far and wide for his skills as a matchmaker. This is the story of his most difficult match.
Colonel John Sheppard was good at being gay.
He had the hair. (136). He knew how to stand around and look cool (048)
The problem with John is that he didn't have the best taste when it came to men…Ronon was pretty, but not the kind of guy you could take home to mom…or, out in public. (187) plus he was violent (333) enough that he was always overcompensating (336)
John goes to Radek for some advice. Radek decided to help by setting up a profile for John on Zelenkamatch.com (117) The results were pretty depressing (131)
John to Radek – "I'm never going to find anybody to love" (649)
Radek thought John's problem might be technique. Introduced him to a strange sexual device. (167) John even learned a new move with his finger (821)
Rodney on the other hand was completely clueless. He tried dating women. (625) (346) but that never seemed to turn out good. (401)(681)
After another night waking up in a strange bed and doing the walk of shame, Rodney decided he'd had enough. (498 and 495) He went to Radek for advice. Radek told him he was obviously gay. (266) Then Radek offered to teach Rodney everything he needed to know.
Radek trying to teach Rodney how to give blow job (404)
Rodney to Radek - You want me to do WHAT with my finger? (394)
Rodney decided he better do a little experimenting before he went out on a real date. So he turned to his good friend Carson. (450) Rodney to Carson – Radek taught me how to do this thing with my finger (241) Rodney & Carson kiss (805)
Finally Radek decided the day had come for Rodney and John to meet. To Rodney – "I found your perfect match" (781)
He arranged for John and Rodney met…John "how you doin'" (260)
John to Rodney – "I bet you're a real Tiger in bed" (425) Rodney to (RAWR – 424) That sounds interesting – John to Rodney (425) Rodney was pleased (789)
Radek – "Another perfect match" (816)
newkidfan came up with a style that fit, and then I sent her the full story:</i>Dr. Radek Zelenka was a man of many talents. He was a genius, an expert on Ancient technology, and the only man who could hold his own in an argument with Dr. Rodney McKay. But this is a story about Radek’s biggest talent -- the one that people whispered about over coffee, the one that made women blush and men stammer…because Radek’s greatest talent was as a matchmaker.
This is the story of his most difficult match.
Colonel John Sheppard never thought he’d need a matchmaker. The whole bisexual thing had worked out well for him since he attracted men and women equally. He had the hair. He knew how to stand around and look cool. He’d even perfected his ability to simultaneously pout and lean on things. John was the kind of guy that every girl wanted to date and every man wanted to reenact Brokeback Mountain with.
John’s problem was that he didn't have the best taste when it came to romantic partners. John tended to be attracted to style over substance and quantity over quality. The women were gorgeous, but not exactly trustworthy. While the men, well they were pretty too, but not exactly the kind of guys you could take home to mom…or out in public thanks to don’t ask don’t tell. And regardless of whether it was a woman or a man, his flings never seemed to last past one encounter.
After the last alien priestess of the week left him with a bruised ego and what he was pretty sure was the Pegasus Galaxy version of crabs, John turned to Radek for help.
At first Radek thought finding a match for John would be a cinch. But the military had all sorts of pesky regulations about officers dating women (or god forbid, men) in their chain of command. It turned out John had already hooked up with most of the civilians, but things never seemed to progress.
“I just don’t understand it, Radek. I get plenty of first dates, but never any follow-ups. I'm never going to find anybody to love."
“Hmmm,” Radek looked at John and scratched his head. “Perhaps your problem is with technique.”
John was puzzled. “You mean I have to do more than just look good?”
Radek sighed. “We have a lot of work to do. We’ll start with how to use your fingers…”
After a few weeks of intensive training, Radek decided John’s skills had improved enough to make him a candidate for a match. Radek set up a profile for John on Zelenkamatch.com The results were very interesting.
“Colonel, according to my forty-seven point compatibility program, there are two people on Atlantis that would make a good match for you. Unfortunately for you, I am off the market. Teyla and Elizabeth keep me pretty busy. That leaves you with Rodney.”
John pouted. “Rodney? But, he’s not even gay…although he does have a fantastic ass.”
Radek just rolled his eyes, “Rodney doesn’t know he’s gay. Just leave it to me.”
Dr. Rodney McKay was brilliant in his professional life but completely clueless in his personal life. He tried dating women but that never seemed to turn out well. Women just seemed to take it so personally when he snapped at them or called them idiots or berated them for having a career in the soft sciences instead of something useful like physics. Women insisted on wearing perfume or using scented shampoo that made his allergies act up.
But still, Rodney was a man with needs, so he put up with the whining and the allergy attacks for the occasional late-night booty call. After another night waking up in a strange bed and doing the walk of shame, his eyes burning from the smell of potpourri, Rodney decided he'd had enough.
After a long shower with lots of hypoallergenic soap Rodney headed down to the lab to lose himself in his work. He’d barely gotten started when Radek barged in.
“Rodney, I have very important announcement.”
Rodney didn’t even bother to look up from his computer. “I’m all a quiver with excitement.”
“You have very special admirer.”
Rodney perked up, “Teyla? Cadman? Who is it?”
Radek shook his head. “Please Rodney, you know Teyla is involved with Elizbeth and I. Your admirer is Colonel Sheppard.”
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Very funny. Unfortunately for the Colonel, I’m not gay.” Rodney very deliberately ignored the way he sometimes thought about the Colonel’s lips while he jerked off in the shower.
“Rodney, have you seen Colonel Sheppard? He is how you say…studmuffin. And I can personally guarantee that his technique is wonderful now.” Radek’s voice trailed off.
Rodney’s eyes glazed over for a minute. “Well, even if I were interested, I don’t know the first thing about being gay.”
Radek smiled. “Don’t worry Rodney, I can teach you everything you need to know.” His whispered something into Rodney’s ear and then leaned back, opening his mouth wide. “We’ll start with blow jobs.”
Rodney turned bright red, “You want me to do WHAT with my finger?”
Over the next couple of days Radek taught Rodney all sorts of things in preparation for his date with Colonel Sheppard. Radek even arranged for Rodney to do a test run with Carson.
At last Radek decided John and Rodney were ready for each other.
Even though Rodney and John had known each other for two years, it was like they were seeing each other for the first time.
John looked Rodney up and down before saying, “How you doin'? I bet you're a real tiger in bed”
Unfortunately, while Radek had helped John develop his sexual technique, they’d never quite gotten around to the small talk lesson.
But Rodney had been waiting all his life for someone who skipped the small talk and got straight to the point. “RAWR! That sounds interesting.”
Radek smiled, "Another perfect match."
for her illustration.
the awesome result of all her work can be found Radek's most difficult match.
ETA seriously, I'm not here - I'm on vacay - but go look at the awesomeness of
newkidfan's illustration to my story - it's like the best pic spam ever.