01 IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS

Entry tags:

01 IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS

[As of 10/12/16, this post has ~mysteriously vanished.~]

[The audio post starts with a a muffled, droning tone, a low note that can be felt as a prickle in the back of the skull. It falls and falls, unbroken except for the occasional pop of static, and then just when it feels like some unnameable tension has to either give or break, a voice cuts in.]

SO, HEY!

MY NAME'S BILL, THIS IS MY INTRODUCTION POST!

["Bill's" voice sounds synthesized. That strange sound hasn't gone away, just quieted down into the background. You could ignore it now, if you wanted to.]

I'M A THREE-DIMENSIONAL SHADOW CAST ONTO THIS DINGY LITTLE MICROBIAL MAT YOU LAUGHABLY CALL "REALITY" BY AN EXTREMELY CHARMING BEING OF AWE-INSPIRING POWER! BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!

WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT I'M COOPERATING FULLY WITH THE TERMS OF THE ARRANGEMENT I MADE WITH YOUR LOCAL DEMIURGE AND I'M IN THE MARKET FOR A WARDEN! SO, ABOUT ME! I'M GREAT WITH KIDS, I'M WITTY BUT RELIABLE, I'M NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK MY MIND, I MAKE A GREAT MARGARITA, I'D BE A GEMINI IF MY CONSCIOUSNESS DIDN'T PREDATE THE FORMATION OF ETA GEMINORUM, AND I'VE BEEN TOLD THE PARTIES I THROW ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD!

[All of this is spoken in the same breezy salesman's patter: very cheerful and very fast, like he's trying to get you started on the next sentence before you can really think about what the previous one contained. It helps that he hasn't once paused to take a breath.]

I'D BE A GREAT ASSET TO YOUR ARRANGEMENT OF BUYING PERSONAL MIRACLES BY TRADING THE SOULS OF THE DEAD AS TOKENS! I'M LOOKING TO - HAHA - "SWIPE RIGHT" ON SOMEONE EITHER EXPERIENCED OR DESPERATE, WHO CAN EXPEDITE THIS PROCESS BY REALLY HITTING ME WITH THE GOOD, INSIGHTFUL STUFF UP FRONT! I RESPECT THE METHOD OF WAITING FOR A PERSONALLY MEANINGFUL MAGICAL DISASTER TO HAVE A REALIZATION ABOUT YOUR TERRIBLE LIFE MISTAKES, BUT IT'S NOT MY STYLE, SO LET'S JUST FRONTLOAD THE PROGRESS AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! I'M A BUSY GUY, AND I DON'T PLAN ON BEING HERE LONG ENOUGH TO UNPACK TEN BILLION YEARS OF SOB STORY, IF YOU GET ME!

[He manages to make this sound like a not-unreasonable request. Conspiratorial. Friend-to-friend.]

AND, YEAH, BEFORE YOU TELL ME: I KNOW "PAIRINGS" AREN'T FOR A FEW DAYS, BUT IT JUST MAKES SENSE TO NETWORK, RIGHT? I FIGURE THE SOONER WE GET A GOOD FIT THE SOONER WE CAN BOTH GET SOMETHING WE WANT! SO GO AHEAD, BRING THE BRAVE ONES UP HERE! FULL STEAM AHEAD, KID, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!

[He cackles. It sounds like someone skating on the edge of full-blown mania. Let the games begin!]

[Spam The Barge has seen some odd residents in its day. Talking cats (two), androids (three), gods (several), and now ... a triangle. Seriously, it's a triangle. He, if you can call a triangle a "he", is about the size of a hardcover book and has one big, long-lashed eyeball on the front of his flat yellow body. He's serenely floating through EVERY inmate-accessible part of the Barge, leaving a trail like a heat shimmer in his wake. He has a little black hooked cane, and he uses it to casually flip cushions over in the chapel like he's expecting to find something underneath, to pull light fixtures aside to peer inside them all throughout the halls, to pull books off of the shelves in the library, and, once, to knock vigorously on the door of the pub only to zoom away immediately afterwards.

Are you trying to do your job that is necessary to keeping the ship running? Like being a medic, or a cook, or trying to repair monster damage? He'll slowly encroach in your peripheral vision like a bizarre, glowing hallucination. Maybe he'll take some supplies when your back is turned - he either has surprisingly quick fingers, or straight up telekinesis. Either way, he's an asshole. A triangular asshole. You're welcome, Barge.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is weird even fer here.

HAHA!

OH, BUDDY, YOU HAVEN'T S̩̬̐E̹̱̝̠̱͉Ë̥͕͚́̐N̸̙͖̻̝̖̪̣̚ WEIRD YET.

Nah, pretty sure I have, but do whatever thing y'were gonna do t'prove me wrong, I guess. It's pretty boring right now.

(no subject)

tetractys - 2016-08-19 09:26 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

weneverwin - 2016-08-20 22:41 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

tetractys - 2016-08-20 23:03 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

weneverwin - 2016-08-20 23:27 (UTC) - Expand

just audio on bill's end. i want the triangle reveal to be A Thing

tetractys - 2016-08-21 01:36 (UTC) - Expand

[ When the buzzing is no longer drilling through his head, the Doctor opens his mouth. Closes it. Tries again while also raising a finger and still fails to speak. When he does have words to make: ]

But do you like tea?

SURE, IF YOU'RE OFFERING!

[You can't spend twenty years bouncing around in the heads of the GC&CS without figuring out the human welcoming and comfort ritual that is tea.]

[ No, he's still reeling. And a little distracted. ] I... yes, why not. Decaffeinated, I think.

I'm sorry, there is rather a lot to process from your introduction, but one thing that strikes me, [ hell no, all of it strikes, because what on Gallifrey... ] the arrangement you made? With our esteemed Admiral?

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-18 02:03 (UTC) - Expand

Video, etc

toobravehearted - 2016-08-20 23:33 (UTC) - Expand

audio -> spam?

tetractys - 2016-08-21 01:44 (UTC) - Expand

Spam it is.

toobravehearted - 2016-08-21 23:23 (UTC) - Expand

spam

tetractys - 2016-08-22 03:51 (UTC) - Expand

Spam all the way

toobravehearted - 2016-09-02 23:19 (UTC) - Expand

Spam

tetractys - 2016-09-03 03:37 (UTC) - Expand

...oh, dear god.

[Why does Pietro have a sinking feeling about who he's going to wind up temp-paired with in a month's time?]

JUST BILL FOR NOW! DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY THE GAME TOO EARLY!

Yeah, sorry. I don't buy that a talking dollar bill is god.

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-19 23:42 (UTC) - Expand

audio

cantcatchme - 2016-08-20 18:53 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-20 22:15 (UTC) - Expand

audio

cantcatchme - 2016-08-21 11:19 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-22 04:19 (UTC) - Expand

audio

cantcatchme - 2016-08-24 05:56 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-24 16:10 (UTC) - Expand

audio

cantcatchme - 2016-08-25 08:53 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-25 21:05 (UTC) - Expand

audio

cantcatchme - 2016-08-29 19:49 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-29 20:55 (UTC) - Expand

audio

cantcatchme - 2016-09-01 19:06 (UTC) - Expand

Uh. Welcome aboard, Bill.

[Holy shit that noise is terrible. But best foot forward, be a good host etc.]

I'm sure with such a positive attitude, you'll find someone to help you graduate post-haste.

HEYY, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR! THANKS, HORATIO!

WHAT'S THE FASTEST AN INMATE HAS EVER GOTTEN OUT OF HERE? FEW WEEKS? FEW HOURS?

[110% certain that he didn't tell you his name, Sir.]

In the time that I've been here, I think it was Beyond Birthday. I think he took about seven months? Less than a year, certainly.

If you've really existed since before our constellations were formed, then I'm sure the time will pass like nothing to you.

(no subject)

tetractys - 2016-08-17 21:11 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

sssiiiiirrrrr - 2016-08-17 22:13 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

tetractys - 2016-08-18 00:31 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

sssiiiiirrrrr - 2016-08-18 16:48 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-19 09:09 (UTC) - Expand

audio

sssiiiiirrrrr - 2016-08-19 18:02 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-20 00:07 (UTC) - Expand

Re: audio

sssiiiiirrrrr - 2016-08-20 01:35 (UTC) - Expand

audio

tetractys - 2016-08-20 02:28 (UTC) - Expand

Re: audio

sssiiiiirrrrr - 2016-08-20 10:10 (UTC) - Expand

audio [barely concealed gravity falls spoilers here]

tetractys - 2016-08-20 14:54 (UTC) - Expand

I never thought I'd say this, but...

Thanks, Admiral.

[Thank you for pairing me two days ago so that I didn't get stuck with this insane....thing]

I'M GONNA CHOOSE TO TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT! THAT ADMIRAL REALLY IS THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX, ISN'T HE?

[It's great when a cosmic entity doesn't understand the implications of what they're offering you but still lets you sign off on it anyway.]