You Can Always Turn Back

Ugh, I feel like I'm moodswinging a lot lately. It still doesn't feel like Wilson is gone, so that kind of grief feels disconnected, almost. Like there's a sadness that can't find an outlet, since Wilson is fine and he's right here somewhere, maybe even under my desk! But he's not dead, he just can't be gone, even though I know he is and still replay his last moments in my head. I think as a result those feelings are just finding anything to latch onto, mostly right now it seems to feeling bad about myself. I DO have ideas, but when I try to draw it's really hard to focus, and then I'm frustrated with my art, and there's a feeling like, why bother? Someone else could do this idea way better than I could (I remind myself of the two cakes meme constantly when this thought comes up). Things don't come out like I intend and art looks weird, my theories are dumb, dumb opinions, dumb posts! Dumb!! Being weird in conversations, being annoying to talk to, annoying and bad at everything. Doing everything wrong, even grieving! Not feeling sad enough! Did I even care if I feel like nothing's changed yet? And god forbid the world situation, everything sucks and is hopeless, what's the point of doing anything, etc etc.

It sucks!! It sucks feeling like this. I feel like it's the free-floating sadness/grief just attaching to any negative thought it can to find something to hold onto, but it's frustrating anyway. I'd rather just feel sad about Wilson instead of just generally negative about everything but it's still just so hard to believe he's gone. :< I think sitting alone with my thoughts while playing Solitaire wasn't helping. I might check out the Mother 1 in the Earthbound engine fanhack, if I don't go through Chapter 5 in Deltarune again with my GOOD pacifist save with my shadow mantle/blackshard because GOD that was a nightmare to get and I'm NOT LEAVING THEM BEHIND.

In random music recs, Seven Dollars is a great Teto song about burnout from commissions, super catchy chorus. Surprised it hasn't gotten more buzz than it has, considering! It's so good!
Robots and Chimeras Don't Sleep is a cute song with Teto and Rei, can really get the contrast between an UTAU voicebank and Teto's SynthV.
Zigi is a cute Rin/Len one that I think might be about sibling rivalry but I'm not sure, it's catchy though.
Music, I forget which Vocaloid was singing this originally but this is a real person cover since I liked it better lol. Chirpy brisk notes, with a steady beat.
You're an Angel is an ominous one with Yuki which I don't see very often. Up to murdering! Maybe.
Honestly is another one with Teto singing in English, she's really pretty understandable as far as a Japanese voicebank can be when doing English, haha. I mean, Miku in comparison is really hard to understand since her accent is so thick, but Teto I can pick up pretty easily.

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Ah, the night before I heard Gatsby yowling, but it was quieter and sadder than usual :< He didn't do it for very long either... poor thing, he's lived with his brother his whole life. Maybe it's sinking in for him that he's gone...

Said goodbye to Wilson this morning. I kept him in my room that night so I'd know where he was, since there are so many places for a cat to hide here. I put him on my bed for a bit since he seemed too frail to jump, and he did stay there for a bit but eventually got down to get some water. He was so thirsty! I recently found this new treat that he and Gatsby really love that I was using for his medicine, so I took a tube of that with me. I took him over to Gatsby too before we went over so they could see each other one last time, Gatsby licked his paw and groomed his chest a little bit which was nice, although Wilson still seemed kind of dazed or disoriented. Everything for him seemed like it took so much deliberation... drinking water, moving around, lying down, like it all took ten or fifteen seconds for him to decide or get his body to move. His purring was so weak too...

Anyway, once we were at the vets we went to a room and I fed him the little churu tube which he liked, although even then he seemed kind of distracted and had trouble sniffing it out, got some of it on his face. We were all petting him, and he pressed his head into my stomach, and they gave him a sedative and I held him and he rested his chin on my arm, and eventually he fell asleep like that, just resting on me while I was holding him. I set him down gently when it sounded like it was a bit hard on his throat to breathe. His eyes didn't close but he was totally knocked out, just completely limp. Got to feel him breathe and his little heart beating, it wasn't too fast so I want to think he wasn't scared through a lot of this, even if he did seem kind of confused and his purring was so soft.

Once he was settled down, they came in to give him the euthanasia shot, mentioning that his kidneys were so small they'd have to do it another way, thus why he was so thirsty lately. The night before, I put down a cup of water for him on the floor (both he and Gatsby love drinking out of my cups of water more than anything else) and he'd go and drink from that for a while, and then come back to me and I'd pet him for a bit, and then he'd go and drink more water, and then come back to me, and drink more water, and so on for a while until I guess he had enough and very gingerly and slowly lied down. He'd been at an equilibrium for a while but it definitely feels like the past two weeks he hit some kind of threshold where he was in a serious decline... I don't know if he's been able to keep any food down for a while except the little liquid or creme treats I was giving him.

I had my hand on his chest and I could feel his heartbeat get kind of almost watery as the injection went in, and eventually the vet nudged my hand out of the way so she could listen with her stethoscope, and when I felt his chest again it was quiet, so I guess I didn't feel the very last heartbeat but I got close. He was arranged in such a way that he really looked like he was sleeping. I stayed there for a bit petting him, it really didn't feel like he was gone since he was still warm and soft. His eyes were still open, so I tried to shut them for him, but I couldn't quite get it all the way. As a result when I was trying to leave, he looked kind of like a sleepy cat who heard you come in the room, and opened their eyes a tiny bit to be like "what's that? oh it's just you" before going back to sleep. Very restful, but he looked so thin and so flat. Just skin and bones.

Both the vet and the assistant tech offered their condolences and the vet gave me a hug, and when I got home I sat on the couch near Gatsby and he sat near me for a while, and he rested his head on my lap and I just pet him with my eyes closed for a bit. Just felt so tired and my eyes hurt. In a way it didn't feel like I'd actually done anything or anything had changed. Like I'd go upstairs and he'd be sleeping on the same white blanket he always slept on, or he'd be in my room, or eating something in the kitchen. It's not that unusual to not see a cat for a day or so. Actually just now as I'm typing this, I caught something in my peripheral vision and automatically turned my head expecting to see Wilson stepping on over to sit on my lap. Like he always did. It doesn't really feel like he's gone yet, so one hand sometimes it feels normal like nothing's changed. When I think about it or let it sink in though I just feel so tired and so heavy. It doesn't feel real, like it's not connected to anything but it's like something's dragging me down.

I was playing the new Deltarune chapter and that was keeping me distracted for the last couple days, but I did the main routes (I think) so now that's kind of done, and now I'm not sure what to do with my time. I don't really feel like drawing or writing something right now. I want to lose myself in something but I feel kind of guilty about it at the same time, like I don't care about him being gone if I'm just going back to playing games or something, even if I know that's not true.

I went and added the descs for the dustjar comics in the gallery maybe a week ago? Before any of this, anyway. Dustjar is still painful to read even this many years out, and I'm sure now it'll hurt again like crazy. The one I'm thinking about now is Toriel talking about grief and how hard and complicated it can be, how you can feel like you're betraying your own feelings or your grief. Like there's a way you "should" do it and if you don't then you didn't really care, something like that. This is kind of rambly though.

I was trying to think back to when I first got Wilson back in 2010, like where I was in my life. It's all kind of hazy for me now. I guess that's when a journal like this comes in handy since I can go and do some backreading. I'd like to put together some cute pictures of Wilson into an entry but I dunno if I have the energy for it tonight. I heard Gatsby yowling a little while ago, he just does that sometimes at night but I wonder if he's realized, if he's wondering where Wilson is. How long will it take him to notice? They've been together their whole lives.

It's so hard, when they look at you with those big eyes and they trust you to take care of them and help them and fix things and make the pain stop. They don't understand. How could you explain it to them? They trust you and I took him to the vet and he never came back. There's this feeling like it's betraying his trust, that I like tricked him into going, that it's like a violation of how I'm supposed to take care of him and help him. Trusted me to make the pain go away and instead he falls asleep and never wakes up again. I mean in one sense the pain does stop but I don't know. There's just this pervasive feeling of guilt.

The new Deltarune chapter was really good. Lots of interesting things going on, lots of stuff to chew on. Not sure when I'll get the energy to write up something substantial but maybe I can do a short list soon-ish at least. Thank you guys for your condolences and such, I haven't been replying to much lately but I do appreciate them a lot.

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