Fic: Demons and Teddy Bears
Yay! I finished something! ^_^
Title: Demons and Teddy Bears
Author: Regina Wren
E-mail: wren13 @ gmail.com
Fandom & Pairing: Janne Da Arc; yasu x OFC, ka-yu x yasu
Summary: Yasu has to deal with the death of his wife while he is left to take care of their son. But while torments and pain come to everyone, so too do comforts.
Keywords: angst, AU, het, yaoi
Rating: Teens
Words: 5,066
Status: Complete
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this except the story. I do own Meyumi and Tarou however because I made them up. I don't claim that any of this is real, and none of it is intended as offence against Janne Da Arc, Avex, or associated people; this is only intended for entertainment, for fun, and I am certainly not making any monetary profit from it.
Comments: This story grew out of an idea that asked the question: what if Yasu did what was expected of him by his society and got married and had a child? However, I wasn't going to break up my OTP either. ^_^
Demons and Teddy Bears
By Regina Wren
Meyumi's eyes were fixed out the window, watching the traffic. Buildings flashed past outside and upbeat pop music played on the radio. It could have been any given day they were on their way into Tokyo for something or other.
"Is work busy?"
Yasu glanced across at Meyumi, but she didn't turn to look at him, staring out the window instead.
"Yeah." He suppressed a sigh. "We've been working on producing our album. We're supposed to be finished by the end of the week."
Meyumi nodded. "I told Tarou you stayed overnight at the studio again yesterday."
"Okay."
Meyumi never usually raised the point that Yasu was sleeping with another man, although she was well aware that Yasu's relationship with his bassist was anything but platonic. Their own marriage was far from blissful but they never fought and neither of them had ever mentioned divorce. It would have broken Yasu's heart if she had thrown him out and forbidden any further contact with his son, but Yasu couldn't honestly say he would have blamed her. At least this way their family stayed together.
Sunlight made Meyumi's skin glow and her hair shine. She looked like she was radiating a light of her own, golden and warm.
"I'm sorry, Meyumi. I'm sorry things didn't work out between us."
"No, I understand," she said quietly. "You're gay. You can't be happy with a woman." Her voice wasn't sad, only resigned. "I still love you, Yasu. I always will, no matter what you feel."
"I know." Yasu swallowed. He couldn't say the same, his heart had drifted a long time ago, and she knew it.
Abruptly the scene changed. He was no longer in the car and watched disembodied as the vehicle spun out of control. Yasu didn't want to watch anymore. It tore his heart out every time he saw it, but he couldn't turn away. With a terrifying crash the car slammed full force into the roadside barrier. Meyumi was crushed in the driver's seat and almost immediately the vehicle exploded into flames.
The darkness of his bedroom was at once quiet relief and horrible reality the moment Yasu woke up. His face was wet, tears sliding from the corners of his eyes, sloping towards his ears.
He and Meyumi had never had that conversation. He'd never been able to apologise.
That thought was the first thing to clarify in his sleepy mind and it hurt.
In wakefulness pieces fell into place again, reconstructing reality. Meyumi was gone. It had been a little over a week but the knowledge still felt wrong, not real. Still Yasu expected her to walk in the door and everything - the news of the car-crash, that terrible phone-call - to be nothing more than a bad dream.
He wiped away the cold tears and glanced over at the man in bed beside him. Ka-yu was still fast asleep, untroubled by nightmares, the shape of his body under the sheets outlined faintly in dim light.
That sight was soothing and depressing at the same time. A part of Yasu wanted to reach out and touch that beloved face, to kiss him for being alive and here with him, for coming over to help out in any way he could. Another part knew that Ka-yu was only here because Meyumi wasn't. A sight of comfort and pain simultaneously.
Yasu clenched his eyes shut and took a breath, counting slow beats in his head to still his thoughts. Then he slipped quietly out of bed. He stopped only to pick up his trousers on his way to the door before creeping out through the dark apartment, escaping both dreams and reality in one action.
Four o'clock, the display on the microwave told him as he entered the kitchen. The most god-forsaken hour of night and hell on earth for the unfortunate souls to be awake at this time.
He only dared to switch on the small light above the stove, hoping everyone else remained asleep. Lights from a few other houses twinkled in the darkness beyond the window and Yasu reached for his cigarettes on the counter, needing something to take his mind off the dream.
A small Papillon wandered into the room, wide-eyed and curious and Yasu took a moment to crouch down and scratch his dog behind the ears.
"Sorry, Boss, didn't mean to wake you," he said, keeping his voice low.
She licked his hand affectionately, before going wandering around the kitchen, her paws clicking softly on the tiles.
Yasu leaned back against the wall as he lit his cigarette. Ka-yu was here, Boss was here, and so was Tarou, asleep in his room, but the place was still uncomfortably empty. He and Meyumi may not have been close in the past few years but she had always been there and they had still cared about each other, even after they realised they couldn't give each other what they needed in a partner.
Yasu exhaled slowly, watching the smoke drift upwards. The dream pressed on his conscience. He'd been having nightmares almost every night since the accident. Sleepy, half-formed thoughts meandered through his head.
Meyumi, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Why did you have to go? Our son needs you.
There was no reply to his distracted thoughts.
* * *
It was when Yasu arrived to pick up his son up from pre-school that he first noticed something wrong. Tarou was always an energetic boy but today he was unusually dominating in play, demanding attention, taking control of the game.
Yasu watched him for a while, wondering what had set off this sudden change. Finally Tarou looked up and his whole being lit up with delight.
"Daddy!" he called, abandoning his playmates and ducking between parents.
All the other parents that came to collect their children were mothers. Yasu wondered if Meyumi had spoken to any of them like they were chatting now. After a week of coming here he still felt out of place amongst them. He too was here to pick up his child but he didn't know anyone and there were no other men in sight.
The noise of children overshadowed even cars driving past and the colourful pre-school yard screamed for attention among the drab grey buildings surrounding it. Sakura trees that would fill the air with pink blossoms in spring were now losing their leaves, covering the sidewalk in dry red and brown instead.
A small cyclone came flying against Yasu's leg.
"Hey," he laughed, as Tarou beamed up at him, his cheeks full and rosy. "Did you have a good time at pre-school today?"
"Yep," Tarou said, handing a slightly crumpled piece of paper up to him. "I drew this."
From what Yasu could tell it looked something like a car, engulfed in flames. But that couldn't be right. He was imagining things; his mind was playing cruel tricks. No one had told Tarou that there had been a fire. All Yasu had been able to tell his son was that there had been an accident and mummy had died and wouldn't be coming home. Then Tarou had wanted to know what they were having for dinner.
Since then he had shown no response to his mother's absence. Although he had been unusually quiet and still at the funeral, he only looked at the household altar with confusion.
Yasu stubbornly held back his own shock and grief. He wasn't going to let himself crack, not when Tarou needed his father more than ever.
A fresh breeze stirred the reddening leaves, rustling through the trees, bringing cold autumn air and Yasu shook his head, physically brushing the thoughts from his mind. Beside him Tarou looked up, eyes fixed on a white bird above the nearby buildings.
"Shall we go?" Yasu asked him.
Tarou nodded. "Uh huh."
Small fingers touched Yasu's palm and he took hold of Tarou's hand as they headed to the car.
* * *
In his dream Meyumi was making dinner when Yasu arrived home. The delicious scent of food and cooking pulled him immediately into the kitchen.
"How was your day?" she said when she saw him enter. She always asked that first. No matter how bad her own day had been, those words and a smile were always the first things he received when he came home.
"Fine. We're trying to learn the new songs and I think we're going okay. Yours?" Yasu asked, as he slipped his arms around his wife's waist. Her pregnancy belly was still evident, gently rounded under her dress.
Meyumi put down her chopping knife and leaned into his chest with a small sigh. "Same as usual," she said. She looked tired as she gazed up at him. Neither of them was getting much sleep lately.
"Where's Tarou?" he asked, leaning down to kiss her. She smelt good: of cooking and soap and a touch of perfume.
"He’s asleep," she said. "I think he's gathering his energy now so he can keep us up all night again."
Yasu was about to reply to that when a quiet sound interrupted them.
Yasu's eyes flickered open in the dark. His chest felt tight and heavy with the memories of happier times: before they had drifted apart, before he had sought out the arms of his best friend instead of his wife.
But now there was no one in bed beside him. Ka-yu wasn't here and Yasu was sleeping on Meyumi's side of the bed. Their bed. The one that had once belonged to Meyumi and himself. He should have felt guilty about bringing Ka-yu here with him after Meyumi wasn't even gone two weeks but Yasu knew he had let Ka-yu's spirit into their marriage bed a long time before that and trying to deny it now wouldn't help anything.
The sound that had woken him came again: a soft thump from the direction of Tarou's room.
Yasu climbed out of bed, shivering a little in his light pyjama and he grabbed his jacket from the back of the bedroom door before he left the room. The apartment was quiet otherwise, still and dark, and when he reached Tarou's door he opened it slowly.
A night-light lit the room in a dim orange glow and a pale face with wide eyes peeked from under the blankets. He had Meyumi's eyes, large and clear, and right now they seemed even bigger than normal.
"Tarou?"
The boy looked very small in bed, curled up into himself. Yasu crouched down beside him, brushing soft black hair out of Tarou's face.
"When is mummy coming back?" His voice was very quiet and Yasu's heart ached all over again. He was still so young. No child should lose their mother at that age.
"Mummy's not going to be coming back, Tarou."
Pale orange light, like a small fire lit the room warmly, if only the night weren't so cold.
"Why not?" He had never wanted to talk about his mother not being there before. Maybe it had been enough to deal with that she simply wasn't there. Now, for the first time he seemed eager to hear more, to know more, to understand.
"Well, do you remember when I told you she was dead? That means her body stopped working. So she can't breathe, or eat, or walk anymore." As much as it hurt to say, he had to be honest. It was the only way to explain.
Tarou gazed at him seriously. "What happened after she got dead?"
"After she died," Yasu corrected gently. "No one really knows what happens after that. But do you want to know what I think?"
Tarou nodded.
"I think that when her body stopped working her spirit became free. It left her body and flew away into the sky. So now she's up there. That's a nice thought, isn't it?"
Tarou nodded again and stared at the ceiling as though imagining the sky above him. He was quiet and looked like he was thinking hard about that.
"Maybe her spirit will come back to earth one day and be born again in a new body but no one knows when."
Tarou's eyes wandered back to his father. "Why did mummy go? Didn't she want to stay with us?"
Yasu had to swallow hard before he could answer. Even so his voice came out a little choked.
"She didn't want to go, Tarou." The tightness in his chest and throat made it difficult to speak and he took a breath, mentally trying to smooth over the pain. Tarou's face revealed concern and more worry than a boy his age should have to know. "Mummy loved you very much but sometimes bad accidents happen. It wasn't anyone's fault and mummy would have loved to stay if she could."
There was a moment of silence as Tarou thought about that. He looked calmer now, maybe reassured that his mother hadn't meant to abandon him. Then he whispered: "I think I saw an oni under my bed."
Was that why he couldn't sleep? Now that his mother wasn't there to chase away the monsters anymore.
"Do you want me to check?"
Tarou nodded, wide-eyed.
Yasu crouched down and made sure to check for anything hiding in the dark space under the bed. Above him the sheets rustled and the bed-head thumped against the wall as Tarou sat up. All Yasu found however was a lump of fur. He pulled it out and held it up beside the night-light.
"Nothing down there except Kuma-chan."
Tarou stretched out his arms for the bear and Yasu handed him the rather battered toy. His son immediately looked happier.
"Can you sleep better now?"
"Yeah..." Tarou said, tucking Kuma-chan under his blanket with him.
"Alright." Yasu waited until the boy had settled down in bed again before leaning over to kiss his forehead. "Night, Tarou."
"Night night, daddy." Then Tarou was peacefully shutting his eyes again, arms wrapped firmly around his bear.
* * *
When Yasu opened his apartment door in between struggling with several shopping bags the first thing he heard was noise. That quickly became discernable into laughter and the thumping of feet on the floor.
"Tadaima," he called out, shutting the door with his foot.
"Daddy's here!"
A few moments later Tarou came running out of his room dishevelled and with a wide smile across his face. Yasu had yet to get used to Tarou's sudden clinginess but he only seemed to be reassuring himself that his father always came back again and that he wasn't going anywhere without Tarou for long.
"Hey. Have you been having fun?" Yasu asked, sitting down on the floor so he could take off his shoes.
Tarou nodded. "Ka-yu's funny."
"Yeah? What have you been playing?"
"Dragon tamers."
"Dragon tamers?"
"Ka-yu was the dragon."
"Your son would make a great ring master, that's for sure," Ka-yu added quietly from the doorway. He looked amused and relaxed as he wandered towards them.
Yasu grinned and ruffled Tarou's hair affectionately. "Good to hear you're such a great dragon tamer."
Tarou beamed.
As Yasu stood up again Ka-yu took some of the bags out of his arms to help carry them into the kitchen.
"Did you buy any sweets?" Tarou asked, following them.
"No, no sweets," Yasu told him. Bags were set down on the table, crowded onto the narrow surface, and Tarou climbed up on a chair to see better.
"Thanks for looking after Tarou," Yasu said, turning to face Ka-yu at last. "Four is a great age, but not at the shops." He had been relieved when Ka-yu offered to watch Tarou for a while to let Yasu do the shopping in peace, and now that Tarou had become comfortable enough around Ka-yu that didn't seem like a problem.
"It was no trouble." Ka-yu shrugged. "He's a good kid, and I think we both had fun."
Yasu smiled gratefully and briefly leaned up to kiss him. Then he turned his attention back to the shopping, the boy curiously poking through the bags for any sweets his father may have hidden anyway, and the small dog now wandering around his legs. He wasn't sure how Meyumi had managed everything, raised their son, and kept the apartment in order. She had always been so calm and capable with everything. On the one hand she hadn't been working full time but on the other she hadn't had a partner helping her much either.
Stung by a sudden sense of shame Yasu tried to push aside the awful feeling of guilt that rose in him but he knew only too well that he had left her alone far too often.
* * *
"Guys, I have to go pick up Tarou," Yasu announced as he stuck his head around the door to their practice room. Staff were scattered around the room, You and Kiyo were working on harmonising the guitar and keyboard lines, while Ka-yu and Shuji were deep in discussion with someone from Avex. Everyone busy and absorbed in work.
"Okay," Kiyo said, looking up and waving. "See you tomorrow then."
"Yeah, see you, Yasu," You added.
Yasu bowed quickly to all of them. "I'm really sorry, guys."
"It's okay, really," You shook his head. "We'll work around it."
"Yeah," Shuji spoke up across the room. "Don't worry about it. Just go pick up your kid."
They were all so kind but Yasu couldn't help feeling like he was interrupting the band's work time. It couldn't be helped though. He'd started looking for a full time day care centre but right now Tarou still needed someone to pick him up at two o'clock.
"Okay. See you all tomorrow."
Tarou hadn't been planned but when Meyumi, whom Yasu was dating at the time, fell pregnant they'd decided to keep the child, both convinced that they could be a happy family. Which they had been for about a year. By that time however Yasu felt the old desires for his best friend and band mate return stronger than ever. He had thought marriage would put an end to those youthful thoughts about Ka-yu, hoped perhaps, and tried to be like other men. It didn't happen though and Meyumi wasn't even very surprised when he told her. By that time she had become a mother rather than a lover anyway.
Yasu stuffed his hands into his pockets as he walked down the hall.
How she had accomplished so much without him he still didn't know. She had been a stronger person than he could ever be, and while he was still earning enough money for his family, he had let her down as a father and a lover.
"Hey, Yasu, wait up!"
Yasu stopped walking. Meanwhile Ka-yu was still here, best friend, lover, and soul mate. Somehow Ka-yu was always there.
"Listen," Ka-yu said when he caught up with him. "You don't need to feel so guilty about running out and picking up Tarou every day. The guys all understand."
Yasu stared up at him, the beloved face of the man who had been at his side almost twenty years.
"Ka-yu, we've already cut down our work hours. How can we keep going like this?"
The corridor was empty but Ka-yu stepped closer so they could speak quietly.
"If we need more time why don't you bring him back here a few days? What boy wouldn't love to see this place? And there are more than enough people back there willing to baby-sit him if it comes to that." Ka-yu shrugged casually but his words were serious. "You know, you're not alone in this, Yasu."
"But she was!" Anger flared. "I left her alone, Ka-yu! I let her deal with everything on her own; she didn't even have a partner to depend on!" All the anger that he had suppressed threatened to spill over at once. "I should have been there. I should have tried harder. She might not have been so alone in the end."
The floor was smoothly polished tile, reflecting light back up into his eyes but he didn't trust himself to look up, didn't trust himself not to crack completely if he faced Ka-yu. Instead he stubbornly concentrated on the scuff-marks on the floor where people's shoes and equipment trolley wheels had scratched the tiles, willing away the pain, willing himself to calm. Should-haves and maybes crowded his head and his throat hurt, feeling like sandpaper when he swallowed and it had nothing to do with the fact that he had been singing all day.
"Yasu..."
He was expecting a touch on the arm perhaps. He wasn't expecting it when Ka-yu reached up to touch his hair, smoothing out the tangled strands. That touch held a tenderness that was normally concealed behind the mask of a biker and a joker, a mask that normally faded only when they were in bed together.
Yasu glanced back up in surprise.
"You didn't know what was going to happen and you couldn't have changed anything," Ka-yu said softly. "Tell me, why did you come back to me only a year after you were married?" His hand stilled and settled on Yasu's shoulder, and Yasu glanced quickly down the empty corridor, conscious that they were still technically in public. But Ka-yu had got his attention and stopped him from focusing on the guilt.
"Because it felt right being with you, like I was making a mistake trying to do anything else," he sighed. "It still feels right," he added more quietly.
Ka-yu nodded. "Then stop beating yourself up. There's no way you could have known the future. You only did what you felt was right at the time. We all make the best choices we can based on what we have and we all try to be happy, right? And sometimes shit happens but things won't stay bleak forever." That was his own philosophy being played back to him; Yasu recognised the words. "The best thing you can do for Meyumi now is to raise your son to become a good, kind, and hardworking man."
Before Ka-yu had even finished speaking Yasu closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Ka-yu. He didn't say anything, only let Ka-yu hold him, uncaring of where they still stood. There was nothing to say. Even his lyric-writing skills weren't enough to put into words how much Ka-yu's reassurance touched him. They couldn't go back in time but he wouldn't let Meyumi down again. He would raise their son to be a man she could be proud of. He owed her that.
He held tighter to Ka-yu, drawing strength from their embrace. Ka-yu was warmth and comfort and understanding. He always had been.
It was only a few moments, then Yasu stepped back again with a self-conscious little smile.
"Thanks."
Ka-yu smiled too, steering them back into familiar public territory. "Anytime. Now go and pick up Tarou before he starts wondering where you are."
"Yes, sir." Their usual light-heartedness came back easily and Yasu laughed at the playful command. "I'll call you tonight, alright?"
"Okay."
He gave Ka-yu a last smile before he turned away.
* * *
Yasu had thought some house work would help take his mind off last night's dream but the fresh smell of linen brought back more clearly than ever Meyumi's absence. He should switch washing powders. This scent reminded him painfully of her, singing when she did the washing, her hands folding clothing, so clear in his memory.
Last night he had dreamt about wings. White wings. Birds in a park. The day Meyumi had told him that she was pregnant. The day they sat under a tree talking about their future. A few days later he had asked her to marry him. So much feeling, so many emotions in those few days: shock, concern, hope, joy. They were only a memory now, like the birds circling the sky as he and Meyumi sat in that park, side by side.
Yasu sighed, smoothing out his shirts with his hands before he stacked them away. Meyumi's clothes still took up one half of their wardrobe. He should probably pack them away. It wasn't doing him any good seeing them there every day.
"Daddyyy..." the syllable was drawn out as feet thumped down the hall. Still, it was nothing compared to the upstairs neighbours whose son always wanted more money and their daughter more freedom. Yasu was fairly certain the entire street could hear their arguments. And truthfully he had probably been even noisier as a child.
"I drew a picture," Tarou said, stepping into the bedroom.
"Can I see it?" Yasu asked, closing the wardrobe and taking a seat on the bed.
Tarou climbed up beside him and eagerly held out the paper. "That's you and me and Boss," Tarou pointed out the blur of brown and the human-shaped objects. "And that's Ka-yu."
Yasu had to smile, oddly touched by that.
Then Tarou pointed to a mass of blue at the top, containing a face. "And that's mummy in the sky."
As a singer Yasu's voice was usually clear and strong but suddenly his throat closed up. He had to swallow the painful lump before he could speak again. "It's a beautiful picture, Tarou."
"Mummy was in my dream yesterday," Tarou added. "She said she's happy now. She wants us to be happy too. She said you don't have to be sorry anymore."
Yasu stared at his son, words running unbidden through his mind.
Meyumi, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
Before he could stop them his vision misted over and tears spilt over his cheeks.
Tarou climbed up to kneel on the bed, shifting closer.
"Don't cry, daddy." A small hand touched Yasu's back a little awkwardly. "It's going to be okay." Those clichéd words from the mouth of a four-year-old sounded more honest than all the well-wishers at her funeral had.
Now that the tears had started he couldn't stop them anymore. Tarou's slightly clumsy attempt to comfort him though was generous and heartfelt. All this time Yasu had been so concerned with trying to be strong for Tarou that he hadn't taken the time to properly feel the impact of Meyumi's death.
He reached out to draw his son into his arms.
"I know, Tarou." Yasu took a breath. His heart ached but at least he knew one thing: he and Tarou would go on with life together, even if it wasn't easy. They wouldn't be alone.
Even if Tarou didn't understand the significance of his dream, Yasu believed him, every word, and there was comfort in that.
Then Yasu released him so that he could see into his son's face.
"Then we should try to do what mummy says and be happy, shouldn't we?"
"Yep." Tarou nodded.
* * *
Three- to five-year-olds played noisily in the pre-school yard and Tarou didn't look like he wanted to leave. He did look up and see Yasu and then promptly returned to playing with a fire truck. If he didn't decide to come out soon Yasu was going to have to go in and get him. He was due back at the studio in half an hour. As predicted their record label had only so much sympathy to spare before it decided it wanted Janne Da Arc working hard again.
"How're you two doing?" Ka-yu asked beside him.
"We're okay. I've been sleeping better and Tarou seems mostly back to normal." A mother coming to pick up her twins walked past as Yasu spoke and he smiled in greeting. He couldn't imagine dealing with two young children at the same time. She ducked in a polite bow and smiled in return. Coming here every day he'd grown to recognise the familiar faces.
"It's still hard," he added finally, glancing up at Ka-yu. "Meyumi and I weren't even particularly close anymore but now it feels empty at home without her. We still cared about each other, even though I couldn't love her the way she wanted. I'm never going to forget her but I don't think that's a bad thing either," he smiled. "Did I tell you Tarou drew a picture of our family? You were in it too."
Ka-yu laughed. "I didn't realise I was at your place that often."
"Well, he likes you," Yasu said. "You're the fun guy. I'm the boring one who makes him do stuff. He keeps asking when you're coming over again. And he wants to see your motorbike sometime." Yasu rolled his eyes remembering that particular request. The last thing he needed was a son as bike-mad as his lover was.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Come over tonight," Yasu suggested. "Unless you have anything better to do."
Ka-yu shook his head at Yasu's teasing.
"No, I don't," he said. "May as well hang out with you and your family."
A moment later a small, dark-haired cyclone was hurtling towards them.
"Are we going to your work again?" Tarou immediately wanted to know, his eyes shining.
Just as Ka-yu had guessed, Tarou loved to watch the band and the staff at work, fascinated by the people, the noise, the equipment, and controls. Sometimes a member of the staff would entertain him but often Tarou was quite content to entertain himself and when he got tired of watching he could always draw.
"Yes we are," Yasu told him. "I still have to work today. But afterwards Ka-yu's coming home with us."
Tarou's smile lit up his whole face. "Then will you play with me?"
"Of course, whatever you want," Ka-yu said.
Tarou happily ran ahead, unwilling or unable to keep still, and Yasu grinned, for a moment seeing far too much of himself in Tarou.
He slipped his hand into the crook of Ka-yu's elbow. "And when Tarou is in bed you can come and play with me," he murmured cheekily.
Ka-yu laughed. "Sounds good."
Ahead of them the rain clouds were clearing, blue sky broke through in patches, and Yasu smiled at the sight. They were going to be okay; he knew that in his heart. Somehow he had finally begun to find peace with himself. And he couldn't feel so empty and alone anymore with Ka-yu walking beside him and Tarou bouncing impatiently next to the car.
=====
2007.03.01
Crossposted to my writing journal,
reginawren.
Title: Demons and Teddy Bears
Author: Regina Wren
E-mail: wren13 @ gmail.com
Fandom & Pairing: Janne Da Arc; yasu x OFC, ka-yu x yasu
Summary: Yasu has to deal with the death of his wife while he is left to take care of their son. But while torments and pain come to everyone, so too do comforts.
Keywords: angst, AU, het, yaoi
Rating: Teens
Words: 5,066
Status: Complete
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this except the story. I do own Meyumi and Tarou however because I made them up. I don't claim that any of this is real, and none of it is intended as offence against Janne Da Arc, Avex, or associated people; this is only intended for entertainment, for fun, and I am certainly not making any monetary profit from it.
Comments: This story grew out of an idea that asked the question: what if Yasu did what was expected of him by his society and got married and had a child? However, I wasn't going to break up my OTP either. ^_^
Demons and Teddy Bears
By Regina Wren
Meyumi's eyes were fixed out the window, watching the traffic. Buildings flashed past outside and upbeat pop music played on the radio. It could have been any given day they were on their way into Tokyo for something or other.
"Is work busy?"
Yasu glanced across at Meyumi, but she didn't turn to look at him, staring out the window instead.
"Yeah." He suppressed a sigh. "We've been working on producing our album. We're supposed to be finished by the end of the week."
Meyumi nodded. "I told Tarou you stayed overnight at the studio again yesterday."
"Okay."
Meyumi never usually raised the point that Yasu was sleeping with another man, although she was well aware that Yasu's relationship with his bassist was anything but platonic. Their own marriage was far from blissful but they never fought and neither of them had ever mentioned divorce. It would have broken Yasu's heart if she had thrown him out and forbidden any further contact with his son, but Yasu couldn't honestly say he would have blamed her. At least this way their family stayed together.
Sunlight made Meyumi's skin glow and her hair shine. She looked like she was radiating a light of her own, golden and warm.
"I'm sorry, Meyumi. I'm sorry things didn't work out between us."
"No, I understand," she said quietly. "You're gay. You can't be happy with a woman." Her voice wasn't sad, only resigned. "I still love you, Yasu. I always will, no matter what you feel."
"I know." Yasu swallowed. He couldn't say the same, his heart had drifted a long time ago, and she knew it.
Abruptly the scene changed. He was no longer in the car and watched disembodied as the vehicle spun out of control. Yasu didn't want to watch anymore. It tore his heart out every time he saw it, but he couldn't turn away. With a terrifying crash the car slammed full force into the roadside barrier. Meyumi was crushed in the driver's seat and almost immediately the vehicle exploded into flames.
The darkness of his bedroom was at once quiet relief and horrible reality the moment Yasu woke up. His face was wet, tears sliding from the corners of his eyes, sloping towards his ears.
He and Meyumi had never had that conversation. He'd never been able to apologise.
That thought was the first thing to clarify in his sleepy mind and it hurt.
In wakefulness pieces fell into place again, reconstructing reality. Meyumi was gone. It had been a little over a week but the knowledge still felt wrong, not real. Still Yasu expected her to walk in the door and everything - the news of the car-crash, that terrible phone-call - to be nothing more than a bad dream.
He wiped away the cold tears and glanced over at the man in bed beside him. Ka-yu was still fast asleep, untroubled by nightmares, the shape of his body under the sheets outlined faintly in dim light.
That sight was soothing and depressing at the same time. A part of Yasu wanted to reach out and touch that beloved face, to kiss him for being alive and here with him, for coming over to help out in any way he could. Another part knew that Ka-yu was only here because Meyumi wasn't. A sight of comfort and pain simultaneously.
Yasu clenched his eyes shut and took a breath, counting slow beats in his head to still his thoughts. Then he slipped quietly out of bed. He stopped only to pick up his trousers on his way to the door before creeping out through the dark apartment, escaping both dreams and reality in one action.
Four o'clock, the display on the microwave told him as he entered the kitchen. The most god-forsaken hour of night and hell on earth for the unfortunate souls to be awake at this time.
He only dared to switch on the small light above the stove, hoping everyone else remained asleep. Lights from a few other houses twinkled in the darkness beyond the window and Yasu reached for his cigarettes on the counter, needing something to take his mind off the dream.
A small Papillon wandered into the room, wide-eyed and curious and Yasu took a moment to crouch down and scratch his dog behind the ears.
"Sorry, Boss, didn't mean to wake you," he said, keeping his voice low.
She licked his hand affectionately, before going wandering around the kitchen, her paws clicking softly on the tiles.
Yasu leaned back against the wall as he lit his cigarette. Ka-yu was here, Boss was here, and so was Tarou, asleep in his room, but the place was still uncomfortably empty. He and Meyumi may not have been close in the past few years but she had always been there and they had still cared about each other, even after they realised they couldn't give each other what they needed in a partner.
Yasu exhaled slowly, watching the smoke drift upwards. The dream pressed on his conscience. He'd been having nightmares almost every night since the accident. Sleepy, half-formed thoughts meandered through his head.
Meyumi, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Why did you have to go? Our son needs you.
There was no reply to his distracted thoughts.
* * *
It was when Yasu arrived to pick up his son up from pre-school that he first noticed something wrong. Tarou was always an energetic boy but today he was unusually dominating in play, demanding attention, taking control of the game.
Yasu watched him for a while, wondering what had set off this sudden change. Finally Tarou looked up and his whole being lit up with delight.
"Daddy!" he called, abandoning his playmates and ducking between parents.
All the other parents that came to collect their children were mothers. Yasu wondered if Meyumi had spoken to any of them like they were chatting now. After a week of coming here he still felt out of place amongst them. He too was here to pick up his child but he didn't know anyone and there were no other men in sight.
The noise of children overshadowed even cars driving past and the colourful pre-school yard screamed for attention among the drab grey buildings surrounding it. Sakura trees that would fill the air with pink blossoms in spring were now losing their leaves, covering the sidewalk in dry red and brown instead.
A small cyclone came flying against Yasu's leg.
"Hey," he laughed, as Tarou beamed up at him, his cheeks full and rosy. "Did you have a good time at pre-school today?"
"Yep," Tarou said, handing a slightly crumpled piece of paper up to him. "I drew this."
From what Yasu could tell it looked something like a car, engulfed in flames. But that couldn't be right. He was imagining things; his mind was playing cruel tricks. No one had told Tarou that there had been a fire. All Yasu had been able to tell his son was that there had been an accident and mummy had died and wouldn't be coming home. Then Tarou had wanted to know what they were having for dinner.
Since then he had shown no response to his mother's absence. Although he had been unusually quiet and still at the funeral, he only looked at the household altar with confusion.
Yasu stubbornly held back his own shock and grief. He wasn't going to let himself crack, not when Tarou needed his father more than ever.
A fresh breeze stirred the reddening leaves, rustling through the trees, bringing cold autumn air and Yasu shook his head, physically brushing the thoughts from his mind. Beside him Tarou looked up, eyes fixed on a white bird above the nearby buildings.
"Shall we go?" Yasu asked him.
Tarou nodded. "Uh huh."
Small fingers touched Yasu's palm and he took hold of Tarou's hand as they headed to the car.
* * *
In his dream Meyumi was making dinner when Yasu arrived home. The delicious scent of food and cooking pulled him immediately into the kitchen.
"How was your day?" she said when she saw him enter. She always asked that first. No matter how bad her own day had been, those words and a smile were always the first things he received when he came home.
"Fine. We're trying to learn the new songs and I think we're going okay. Yours?" Yasu asked, as he slipped his arms around his wife's waist. Her pregnancy belly was still evident, gently rounded under her dress.
Meyumi put down her chopping knife and leaned into his chest with a small sigh. "Same as usual," she said. She looked tired as she gazed up at him. Neither of them was getting much sleep lately.
"Where's Tarou?" he asked, leaning down to kiss her. She smelt good: of cooking and soap and a touch of perfume.
"He’s asleep," she said. "I think he's gathering his energy now so he can keep us up all night again."
Yasu was about to reply to that when a quiet sound interrupted them.
Yasu's eyes flickered open in the dark. His chest felt tight and heavy with the memories of happier times: before they had drifted apart, before he had sought out the arms of his best friend instead of his wife.
But now there was no one in bed beside him. Ka-yu wasn't here and Yasu was sleeping on Meyumi's side of the bed. Their bed. The one that had once belonged to Meyumi and himself. He should have felt guilty about bringing Ka-yu here with him after Meyumi wasn't even gone two weeks but Yasu knew he had let Ka-yu's spirit into their marriage bed a long time before that and trying to deny it now wouldn't help anything.
The sound that had woken him came again: a soft thump from the direction of Tarou's room.
Yasu climbed out of bed, shivering a little in his light pyjama and he grabbed his jacket from the back of the bedroom door before he left the room. The apartment was quiet otherwise, still and dark, and when he reached Tarou's door he opened it slowly.
A night-light lit the room in a dim orange glow and a pale face with wide eyes peeked from under the blankets. He had Meyumi's eyes, large and clear, and right now they seemed even bigger than normal.
"Tarou?"
The boy looked very small in bed, curled up into himself. Yasu crouched down beside him, brushing soft black hair out of Tarou's face.
"When is mummy coming back?" His voice was very quiet and Yasu's heart ached all over again. He was still so young. No child should lose their mother at that age.
"Mummy's not going to be coming back, Tarou."
Pale orange light, like a small fire lit the room warmly, if only the night weren't so cold.
"Why not?" He had never wanted to talk about his mother not being there before. Maybe it had been enough to deal with that she simply wasn't there. Now, for the first time he seemed eager to hear more, to know more, to understand.
"Well, do you remember when I told you she was dead? That means her body stopped working. So she can't breathe, or eat, or walk anymore." As much as it hurt to say, he had to be honest. It was the only way to explain.
Tarou gazed at him seriously. "What happened after she got dead?"
"After she died," Yasu corrected gently. "No one really knows what happens after that. But do you want to know what I think?"
Tarou nodded.
"I think that when her body stopped working her spirit became free. It left her body and flew away into the sky. So now she's up there. That's a nice thought, isn't it?"
Tarou nodded again and stared at the ceiling as though imagining the sky above him. He was quiet and looked like he was thinking hard about that.
"Maybe her spirit will come back to earth one day and be born again in a new body but no one knows when."
Tarou's eyes wandered back to his father. "Why did mummy go? Didn't she want to stay with us?"
Yasu had to swallow hard before he could answer. Even so his voice came out a little choked.
"She didn't want to go, Tarou." The tightness in his chest and throat made it difficult to speak and he took a breath, mentally trying to smooth over the pain. Tarou's face revealed concern and more worry than a boy his age should have to know. "Mummy loved you very much but sometimes bad accidents happen. It wasn't anyone's fault and mummy would have loved to stay if she could."
There was a moment of silence as Tarou thought about that. He looked calmer now, maybe reassured that his mother hadn't meant to abandon him. Then he whispered: "I think I saw an oni under my bed."
Was that why he couldn't sleep? Now that his mother wasn't there to chase away the monsters anymore.
"Do you want me to check?"
Tarou nodded, wide-eyed.
Yasu crouched down and made sure to check for anything hiding in the dark space under the bed. Above him the sheets rustled and the bed-head thumped against the wall as Tarou sat up. All Yasu found however was a lump of fur. He pulled it out and held it up beside the night-light.
"Nothing down there except Kuma-chan."
Tarou stretched out his arms for the bear and Yasu handed him the rather battered toy. His son immediately looked happier.
"Can you sleep better now?"
"Yeah..." Tarou said, tucking Kuma-chan under his blanket with him.
"Alright." Yasu waited until the boy had settled down in bed again before leaning over to kiss his forehead. "Night, Tarou."
"Night night, daddy." Then Tarou was peacefully shutting his eyes again, arms wrapped firmly around his bear.
* * *
When Yasu opened his apartment door in between struggling with several shopping bags the first thing he heard was noise. That quickly became discernable into laughter and the thumping of feet on the floor.
"Tadaima," he called out, shutting the door with his foot.
"Daddy's here!"
A few moments later Tarou came running out of his room dishevelled and with a wide smile across his face. Yasu had yet to get used to Tarou's sudden clinginess but he only seemed to be reassuring himself that his father always came back again and that he wasn't going anywhere without Tarou for long.
"Hey. Have you been having fun?" Yasu asked, sitting down on the floor so he could take off his shoes.
Tarou nodded. "Ka-yu's funny."
"Yeah? What have you been playing?"
"Dragon tamers."
"Dragon tamers?"
"Ka-yu was the dragon."
"Your son would make a great ring master, that's for sure," Ka-yu added quietly from the doorway. He looked amused and relaxed as he wandered towards them.
Yasu grinned and ruffled Tarou's hair affectionately. "Good to hear you're such a great dragon tamer."
Tarou beamed.
As Yasu stood up again Ka-yu took some of the bags out of his arms to help carry them into the kitchen.
"Did you buy any sweets?" Tarou asked, following them.
"No, no sweets," Yasu told him. Bags were set down on the table, crowded onto the narrow surface, and Tarou climbed up on a chair to see better.
"Thanks for looking after Tarou," Yasu said, turning to face Ka-yu at last. "Four is a great age, but not at the shops." He had been relieved when Ka-yu offered to watch Tarou for a while to let Yasu do the shopping in peace, and now that Tarou had become comfortable enough around Ka-yu that didn't seem like a problem.
"It was no trouble." Ka-yu shrugged. "He's a good kid, and I think we both had fun."
Yasu smiled gratefully and briefly leaned up to kiss him. Then he turned his attention back to the shopping, the boy curiously poking through the bags for any sweets his father may have hidden anyway, and the small dog now wandering around his legs. He wasn't sure how Meyumi had managed everything, raised their son, and kept the apartment in order. She had always been so calm and capable with everything. On the one hand she hadn't been working full time but on the other she hadn't had a partner helping her much either.
Stung by a sudden sense of shame Yasu tried to push aside the awful feeling of guilt that rose in him but he knew only too well that he had left her alone far too often.
* * *
"Guys, I have to go pick up Tarou," Yasu announced as he stuck his head around the door to their practice room. Staff were scattered around the room, You and Kiyo were working on harmonising the guitar and keyboard lines, while Ka-yu and Shuji were deep in discussion with someone from Avex. Everyone busy and absorbed in work.
"Okay," Kiyo said, looking up and waving. "See you tomorrow then."
"Yeah, see you, Yasu," You added.
Yasu bowed quickly to all of them. "I'm really sorry, guys."
"It's okay, really," You shook his head. "We'll work around it."
"Yeah," Shuji spoke up across the room. "Don't worry about it. Just go pick up your kid."
They were all so kind but Yasu couldn't help feeling like he was interrupting the band's work time. It couldn't be helped though. He'd started looking for a full time day care centre but right now Tarou still needed someone to pick him up at two o'clock.
"Okay. See you all tomorrow."
Tarou hadn't been planned but when Meyumi, whom Yasu was dating at the time, fell pregnant they'd decided to keep the child, both convinced that they could be a happy family. Which they had been for about a year. By that time however Yasu felt the old desires for his best friend and band mate return stronger than ever. He had thought marriage would put an end to those youthful thoughts about Ka-yu, hoped perhaps, and tried to be like other men. It didn't happen though and Meyumi wasn't even very surprised when he told her. By that time she had become a mother rather than a lover anyway.
Yasu stuffed his hands into his pockets as he walked down the hall.
How she had accomplished so much without him he still didn't know. She had been a stronger person than he could ever be, and while he was still earning enough money for his family, he had let her down as a father and a lover.
"Hey, Yasu, wait up!"
Yasu stopped walking. Meanwhile Ka-yu was still here, best friend, lover, and soul mate. Somehow Ka-yu was always there.
"Listen," Ka-yu said when he caught up with him. "You don't need to feel so guilty about running out and picking up Tarou every day. The guys all understand."
Yasu stared up at him, the beloved face of the man who had been at his side almost twenty years.
"Ka-yu, we've already cut down our work hours. How can we keep going like this?"
The corridor was empty but Ka-yu stepped closer so they could speak quietly.
"If we need more time why don't you bring him back here a few days? What boy wouldn't love to see this place? And there are more than enough people back there willing to baby-sit him if it comes to that." Ka-yu shrugged casually but his words were serious. "You know, you're not alone in this, Yasu."
"But she was!" Anger flared. "I left her alone, Ka-yu! I let her deal with everything on her own; she didn't even have a partner to depend on!" All the anger that he had suppressed threatened to spill over at once. "I should have been there. I should have tried harder. She might not have been so alone in the end."
The floor was smoothly polished tile, reflecting light back up into his eyes but he didn't trust himself to look up, didn't trust himself not to crack completely if he faced Ka-yu. Instead he stubbornly concentrated on the scuff-marks on the floor where people's shoes and equipment trolley wheels had scratched the tiles, willing away the pain, willing himself to calm. Should-haves and maybes crowded his head and his throat hurt, feeling like sandpaper when he swallowed and it had nothing to do with the fact that he had been singing all day.
"Yasu..."
He was expecting a touch on the arm perhaps. He wasn't expecting it when Ka-yu reached up to touch his hair, smoothing out the tangled strands. That touch held a tenderness that was normally concealed behind the mask of a biker and a joker, a mask that normally faded only when they were in bed together.
Yasu glanced back up in surprise.
"You didn't know what was going to happen and you couldn't have changed anything," Ka-yu said softly. "Tell me, why did you come back to me only a year after you were married?" His hand stilled and settled on Yasu's shoulder, and Yasu glanced quickly down the empty corridor, conscious that they were still technically in public. But Ka-yu had got his attention and stopped him from focusing on the guilt.
"Because it felt right being with you, like I was making a mistake trying to do anything else," he sighed. "It still feels right," he added more quietly.
Ka-yu nodded. "Then stop beating yourself up. There's no way you could have known the future. You only did what you felt was right at the time. We all make the best choices we can based on what we have and we all try to be happy, right? And sometimes shit happens but things won't stay bleak forever." That was his own philosophy being played back to him; Yasu recognised the words. "The best thing you can do for Meyumi now is to raise your son to become a good, kind, and hardworking man."
Before Ka-yu had even finished speaking Yasu closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Ka-yu. He didn't say anything, only let Ka-yu hold him, uncaring of where they still stood. There was nothing to say. Even his lyric-writing skills weren't enough to put into words how much Ka-yu's reassurance touched him. They couldn't go back in time but he wouldn't let Meyumi down again. He would raise their son to be a man she could be proud of. He owed her that.
He held tighter to Ka-yu, drawing strength from their embrace. Ka-yu was warmth and comfort and understanding. He always had been.
It was only a few moments, then Yasu stepped back again with a self-conscious little smile.
"Thanks."
Ka-yu smiled too, steering them back into familiar public territory. "Anytime. Now go and pick up Tarou before he starts wondering where you are."
"Yes, sir." Their usual light-heartedness came back easily and Yasu laughed at the playful command. "I'll call you tonight, alright?"
"Okay."
He gave Ka-yu a last smile before he turned away.
* * *
Yasu had thought some house work would help take his mind off last night's dream but the fresh smell of linen brought back more clearly than ever Meyumi's absence. He should switch washing powders. This scent reminded him painfully of her, singing when she did the washing, her hands folding clothing, so clear in his memory.
Last night he had dreamt about wings. White wings. Birds in a park. The day Meyumi had told him that she was pregnant. The day they sat under a tree talking about their future. A few days later he had asked her to marry him. So much feeling, so many emotions in those few days: shock, concern, hope, joy. They were only a memory now, like the birds circling the sky as he and Meyumi sat in that park, side by side.
Yasu sighed, smoothing out his shirts with his hands before he stacked them away. Meyumi's clothes still took up one half of their wardrobe. He should probably pack them away. It wasn't doing him any good seeing them there every day.
"Daddyyy..." the syllable was drawn out as feet thumped down the hall. Still, it was nothing compared to the upstairs neighbours whose son always wanted more money and their daughter more freedom. Yasu was fairly certain the entire street could hear their arguments. And truthfully he had probably been even noisier as a child.
"I drew a picture," Tarou said, stepping into the bedroom.
"Can I see it?" Yasu asked, closing the wardrobe and taking a seat on the bed.
Tarou climbed up beside him and eagerly held out the paper. "That's you and me and Boss," Tarou pointed out the blur of brown and the human-shaped objects. "And that's Ka-yu."
Yasu had to smile, oddly touched by that.
Then Tarou pointed to a mass of blue at the top, containing a face. "And that's mummy in the sky."
As a singer Yasu's voice was usually clear and strong but suddenly his throat closed up. He had to swallow the painful lump before he could speak again. "It's a beautiful picture, Tarou."
"Mummy was in my dream yesterday," Tarou added. "She said she's happy now. She wants us to be happy too. She said you don't have to be sorry anymore."
Yasu stared at his son, words running unbidden through his mind.
Meyumi, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
Before he could stop them his vision misted over and tears spilt over his cheeks.
Tarou climbed up to kneel on the bed, shifting closer.
"Don't cry, daddy." A small hand touched Yasu's back a little awkwardly. "It's going to be okay." Those clichéd words from the mouth of a four-year-old sounded more honest than all the well-wishers at her funeral had.
Now that the tears had started he couldn't stop them anymore. Tarou's slightly clumsy attempt to comfort him though was generous and heartfelt. All this time Yasu had been so concerned with trying to be strong for Tarou that he hadn't taken the time to properly feel the impact of Meyumi's death.
He reached out to draw his son into his arms.
"I know, Tarou." Yasu took a breath. His heart ached but at least he knew one thing: he and Tarou would go on with life together, even if it wasn't easy. They wouldn't be alone.
Even if Tarou didn't understand the significance of his dream, Yasu believed him, every word, and there was comfort in that.
Then Yasu released him so that he could see into his son's face.
"Then we should try to do what mummy says and be happy, shouldn't we?"
"Yep." Tarou nodded.
* * *
Three- to five-year-olds played noisily in the pre-school yard and Tarou didn't look like he wanted to leave. He did look up and see Yasu and then promptly returned to playing with a fire truck. If he didn't decide to come out soon Yasu was going to have to go in and get him. He was due back at the studio in half an hour. As predicted their record label had only so much sympathy to spare before it decided it wanted Janne Da Arc working hard again.
"How're you two doing?" Ka-yu asked beside him.
"We're okay. I've been sleeping better and Tarou seems mostly back to normal." A mother coming to pick up her twins walked past as Yasu spoke and he smiled in greeting. He couldn't imagine dealing with two young children at the same time. She ducked in a polite bow and smiled in return. Coming here every day he'd grown to recognise the familiar faces.
"It's still hard," he added finally, glancing up at Ka-yu. "Meyumi and I weren't even particularly close anymore but now it feels empty at home without her. We still cared about each other, even though I couldn't love her the way she wanted. I'm never going to forget her but I don't think that's a bad thing either," he smiled. "Did I tell you Tarou drew a picture of our family? You were in it too."
Ka-yu laughed. "I didn't realise I was at your place that often."
"Well, he likes you," Yasu said. "You're the fun guy. I'm the boring one who makes him do stuff. He keeps asking when you're coming over again. And he wants to see your motorbike sometime." Yasu rolled his eyes remembering that particular request. The last thing he needed was a son as bike-mad as his lover was.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Come over tonight," Yasu suggested. "Unless you have anything better to do."
Ka-yu shook his head at Yasu's teasing.
"No, I don't," he said. "May as well hang out with you and your family."
A moment later a small, dark-haired cyclone was hurtling towards them.
"Are we going to your work again?" Tarou immediately wanted to know, his eyes shining.
Just as Ka-yu had guessed, Tarou loved to watch the band and the staff at work, fascinated by the people, the noise, the equipment, and controls. Sometimes a member of the staff would entertain him but often Tarou was quite content to entertain himself and when he got tired of watching he could always draw.
"Yes we are," Yasu told him. "I still have to work today. But afterwards Ka-yu's coming home with us."
Tarou's smile lit up his whole face. "Then will you play with me?"
"Of course, whatever you want," Ka-yu said.
Tarou happily ran ahead, unwilling or unable to keep still, and Yasu grinned, for a moment seeing far too much of himself in Tarou.
He slipped his hand into the crook of Ka-yu's elbow. "And when Tarou is in bed you can come and play with me," he murmured cheekily.
Ka-yu laughed. "Sounds good."
Ahead of them the rain clouds were clearing, blue sky broke through in patches, and Yasu smiled at the sight. They were going to be okay; he knew that in his heart. Somehow he had finally begun to find peace with himself. And he couldn't feel so empty and alone anymore with Ka-yu walking beside him and Tarou bouncing impatiently next to the car.
=====
2007.03.01
Crossposted to my writing journal,
reginawren.