New Year but why am I on the same bloody page with the same bloody word?...
Called and canceled all my other appointments and I see Dr. B on the 10th. Yay now if I can just make it six days without something bad happening to me. The arm thing is sort of better not so much like I got hit with a fast ball but it still hurts to like the bone when I lift if too much.
The center of my chest still hurts when I breath or chew and I have this weird low grade ache on the back of my neck like you slept on your hair or if your pillow was a turtle. AS for the rest of my hardware its hard to guess and I will only know after I get a MRI what exactly I have done to myself of if a disc higher up is involved and to me it seems like it is given this strange weird pain I have never felt before.
2019 for me is kinda starting off like a nightmare of sorts and I just lack all optimism. I mean what can I say that's positive when I'm constantly falling apart and am riddled with depression. I need to be seen at the Dr.'s but I know something is hugely wrong and I don't think I can handle it at all. I said over summer I just cannot handle one more bad thing happening to me and now this. I try to be strong through things but at this point I'm starting to crack at the edges.
Prior to my cancer scare and hysterectomy my other Dr. put mt on 2 different medications that really did a number on me with altering my behavior and mindset it was so of like forgetting everything all the time but at the same time kinda going a little nuts. On top of that I had weight gain so it was like being so out of control of myself simply for a pain medication that I simply took myself off of it. I mean I'd rather be miserable in pain then out of my mind with crazy side effects and shot term memory loss.
The past two years have been so crazy for me its like I was losing my mind on top of everything else and in the process I lost several friendships. I dunno whats worse losing friends or having people you consider close friends who just never really ask you whats wrong and just abandon you. I don't think I can ever forgive that for I've always tried to support people and care for them and any time I've ever really needed anyone I've been alone, every single time friendships have failed me. I think I've really shut down with all people outside of family and I just no longer wanna invest in people who have no value for me. Whether I'm broken or not or how people view me I'm never allowing anyone to have such blatant disregard for me as a person again.
I'm tired and can no long sit up so I think I'll go crawl into bed so the hours pass...
The center of my chest still hurts when I breath or chew and I have this weird low grade ache on the back of my neck like you slept on your hair or if your pillow was a turtle. AS for the rest of my hardware its hard to guess and I will only know after I get a MRI what exactly I have done to myself of if a disc higher up is involved and to me it seems like it is given this strange weird pain I have never felt before.
2019 for me is kinda starting off like a nightmare of sorts and I just lack all optimism. I mean what can I say that's positive when I'm constantly falling apart and am riddled with depression. I need to be seen at the Dr.'s but I know something is hugely wrong and I don't think I can handle it at all. I said over summer I just cannot handle one more bad thing happening to me and now this. I try to be strong through things but at this point I'm starting to crack at the edges.
Prior to my cancer scare and hysterectomy my other Dr. put mt on 2 different medications that really did a number on me with altering my behavior and mindset it was so of like forgetting everything all the time but at the same time kinda going a little nuts. On top of that I had weight gain so it was like being so out of control of myself simply for a pain medication that I simply took myself off of it. I mean I'd rather be miserable in pain then out of my mind with crazy side effects and shot term memory loss.
The past two years have been so crazy for me its like I was losing my mind on top of everything else and in the process I lost several friendships. I dunno whats worse losing friends or having people you consider close friends who just never really ask you whats wrong and just abandon you. I don't think I can ever forgive that for I've always tried to support people and care for them and any time I've ever really needed anyone I've been alone, every single time friendships have failed me. I think I've really shut down with all people outside of family and I just no longer wanna invest in people who have no value for me. Whether I'm broken or not or how people view me I'm never allowing anyone to have such blatant disregard for me as a person again.
I'm tired and can no long sit up so I think I'll go crawl into bed so the hours pass...