Sometimes you wonder if your life is worse then a Ally Sheedy movie...

Pondering my phone calls tomorrow or just saying chuck a duck and go to the ER. Thing is I am so afraid its about equal in wanting and not wanting to know whats wrong now. Spent all day in bed trying not to move and then got up sometime after three. I don't wanna call the billing office nor do I wanna call my Dad. It's like you cannot afford to live and you cannot afford to die and either way your screwed. I'm so tired of hospitals and surgeries and recovery and pain. For awhile there I thought it be almost a relief if I had cancer cause at least then I'd know I'd have some kinda end. But this mess with my spine and how it tortures me seems to have this limitless way of torturing me. This week I have felt parts of my body inside no one should ever feel and its really rather terrifying to say the least.

Lately I'm just tired of it all...