I should get up but can I?...

Called this morning about m,y balance and what I had to do to be seen by Dr. B. I have to call billing tomorrow and go from there. I have such strange things going on with my head and neck and just the fear of moving and getting up or down. I'm not sure how many more days I can do this just so I can been seen and I know I need a mri cause something is so wrong. So I guess I'll see what is said tomorrow since I know it's pointless to go to the ER cause they won't order a mri and only do a x-ray which is nothing and then say "Well what can we give you so we can send you home" Yeah... not kidding that the kinda treatment you just get and honestly I can't see a doze pack helping me at all.

I'm scared and I'm not sure my Father can or will even help me, even if I took every cent I have it's not enough to cover this. On the flip side to all this I don't wanna go cause I don't wanna know what he will tell me. I just can't handle one more bad thing any more or one more surgery. I'm not even sure how I could get dressed or leave the house on Thursday to go to my other appointment given I'm terrified of something happening to me much less in public.

Ahhhh this is a total mess and I just cannot deal with this all any more. I keep playing in my head over and over "What did you do to yourself now? How could you let this happen again! They just fixed you less then 2 years ago what is wrong with the hardware now."

I keep blaming myself like I did something wrong or bad and one again I'm being punished. I know it's not true but you cannot help but to feel that way about yourself.

I feel like I've taken my Mom hostage cause shes trying to help me and I just keep crying and crying when everyone is asleep. Tonight I could feel things moving when I breathed.

I want this all to go away and leave me alone and I cannot awake from this nightmare...