The story is monstrously bloated with completely pointless inconsequential things that just happened to spring up in the writer's mind at the moment.
The protagonist is a complete dumbass on every possible level and I don't believe he is earning any awards for the school, so there's disconnect of the backstory with the story.
All characters sound the same, with no hints of personality.
And the writing is trying so hard to be funny, but never manages it.
The cute and consistent art style is the only redeeming quality of this VN.
Okay, so, to rephrase my feedback into something more actionable...
Your writing lacks purpose. Any kind of writing - be it for a book, a show, or a visual novel, - must be purposeful in what it's trying to achieve. Because you don't have an infinite budget.
And you probably just thought "Oh I have spent nothing so the budget is two sandwiches and a coffee", but... No. Your time is a part of your budget as well, you don't want to spend the rest of your life trying to bring one single story to a satisfying conclusion. And to make things worse, the reader's attention is a finite resource too.
So when you're writing a scene - you need to make sure you are not wasting your own time, and the time of the reader. To do that, you must designate the goals for the scene. And everything you write for that scene must pursue that goal. Even the banter.
There's absolutely no need to write characters just shooting the shit with each other, this is not real life, art must be more interesting than real life, especially when pretending to show it honestly.
If two characters are talking - there has to be a purpose. If two characters are talking - one of them must have a goal and be the "attacker", making the other one "defend".
An easy example would be A asking B: "Hey, so how was your date?" - it instantly puts B on defense, trying to present himself well, trying to protect the image he had built up within this social circle.
And that creates opportunities - C could ask B the same question in a more private setting and receive a more honest answer, achieving the goals of showing that B and C are good friends, showing B's motivation on several levels, etc, etc.
Downloaded this VN a little while ago, and I've loved it so far. Really, and I mean really looking forward to new updates in the future. From what I've seen, this VN is incredibly unique, and an enjoyable read. I do highly recommend it.
Past that, however, I really have no complaints. Obviously their is a typo here and there, which is fine really. The typos don't really take anything away from the VN. Moreover, they didn't muck up any conversations, so no confusion is to be had.
All around good, and fun VN. Looking forward to future updates, and the like.
Very impressed by the start to the project! No matter what happens with the technical challenges you are facing or whatever the future of this project is, I really hope your future includes more contributions to the furry VN genre because I think you have a lot of talent and many good ideas just based on this short taste of what you have to offer
From what your described it sounds like your laptops display cable (LVDS) is breaking and the internal storage is reaching end of life / bad RAM. It is urgent you backup anything important as it sounds like your laptop will fail very soon.
ngl getting scolded by Josh's father felt relatable, I actually FELT that, and wanted to tear up. Loved the update!
Also a quick tip to remembering the difference of your and you're
Your = Something that belongs to you (e.g. your bag, this is yours)
You're = You are (e.g. you're handsome, you're so funny)
just something I noticed in your vn and thought to give a little tip in remembering which one to use. I basically made a game to count how many "your" and "you're" are used in the wrong way haha no offense.
This VN is genuinely great, I highly recommend giving it a try. I've been following the development since day one, I believe. And it's such a fun read, I love the way they just openly break the fourth wall. The fact that once the author or even the literal plot gets brought into the conversation, they all just agree and move on... like immediately.
And the fact that I feel so included in the culture that's being showed is great. Loving it. 💕
Sending the author, Neo Neon a wonderful day. (❁´◡`❁)
(... Now, Below this, There will be spoilers and some bits of the story getting mentioned here and there, as of now, I will take into account only the shown story. Which is the entirety of the very first update as of me typing this right now.)😍
Oh Joshua, I feel for him. That moment with his father made me feel so much. I just hope we can somehow get out of that situation...😭
Now, in another more 'theorizing' mood, I am inclined to believe that the guys that were shown/introduced through a beautiful image, Those being, Kyle, Ethan and Richard, will maybe be Joshua's love interests?/maybe...
I am also still very unsure if the VN will end up following a more dark path, or maybe a more cheerful adventure...
In another mood... I'd be great if Joshua fights his father and wins... Maybe... idk if its my need of bloodshed talking.🙀
Also, in a more unrelated note, loved the little 'trivia' momento. This VN has such enormous potential to be... tragic, lighthearted, romantic, happy, sad, eventful and much much more.
Genuinely delighted to have discovered it in such early development.
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Stream of consciousness writing.
The story is monstrously bloated with completely pointless inconsequential things that just happened to spring up in the writer's mind at the moment.
The protagonist is a complete dumbass on every possible level and I don't believe he is earning any awards for the school, so there's disconnect of the backstory with the story.
All characters sound the same, with no hints of personality.
And the writing is trying so hard to be funny, but never manages it.
The cute and consistent art style is the only redeeming quality of this VN.
At least I heard a positive output. But you are right though... The protagonist is a complete dumbass. XD
Sorry, I should have worded my comment more nicely, but I was sleepy and grumpy.
I still stand by my words, of course, my impressions were genuine, but I didn't need to bite your head off.
Oh you're fine. I love the honesty. It gives me the things I need to improve and change. ^w^
Okay, so, to rephrase my feedback into something more actionable...
Your writing lacks purpose. Any kind of writing - be it for a book, a show, or a visual novel, - must be purposeful in what it's trying to achieve. Because you don't have an infinite budget.
And you probably just thought "Oh I have spent nothing so the budget is two sandwiches and a coffee", but... No. Your time is a part of your budget as well, you don't want to spend the rest of your life trying to bring one single story to a satisfying conclusion. And to make things worse, the reader's attention is a finite resource too.
So when you're writing a scene - you need to make sure you are not wasting your own time, and the time of the reader. To do that, you must designate the goals for the scene. And everything you write for that scene must pursue that goal. Even the banter.
There's absolutely no need to write characters just shooting the shit with each other, this is not real life, art must be more interesting than real life, especially when pretending to show it honestly.
If two characters are talking - there has to be a purpose. If two characters are talking - one of them must have a goal and be the "attacker", making the other one "defend".
An easy example would be A asking B: "Hey, so how was your date?" - it instantly puts B on defense, trying to present himself well, trying to protect the image he had built up within this social circle.
And that creates opportunities - C could ask B the same question in a more private setting and receive a more honest answer, achieving the goals of showing that B and C are good friends, showing B's motivation on several levels, etc, etc.
I hope this helps.
One of the best VN I've played so far. Love that you put in some lore and culture of your country. Hopefully, we can get an update this year!
Please make a Patreon 🙏
I LOVE the art style and the writing of this whole VN! I can't wait for the next update! :3
Fingers crossed for a third chapter. This was an entertaining read.
Especially the tidbits of culture, and the banter between the characters.
Downloaded this VN a little while ago, and I've loved it so far. Really, and I mean really looking forward to new updates in the future. From what I've seen, this VN is incredibly unique, and an enjoyable read. I do highly recommend it.
Past that, however, I really have no complaints. Obviously their is a typo here and there, which is fine really. The typos don't really take anything away from the VN. Moreover, they didn't muck up any conversations, so no confusion is to be had.
All around good, and fun VN. Looking forward to future updates, and the like.
Very impressed by the start to the project! No matter what happens with the technical challenges you are facing or whatever the future of this project is, I really hope your future includes more contributions to the furry VN genre because I think you have a lot of talent and many good ideas just based on this short taste of what you have to offer
From what your described it sounds like your laptops display cable (LVDS) is breaking and the internal storage is reaching end of life / bad RAM. It is urgent you backup anything important as it sounds like your laptop will fail very soon.
ngl getting scolded by Josh's father felt relatable, I actually FELT that, and wanted to tear up. Loved the update!
Also a quick tip to remembering the difference of your and you're
Your = Something that belongs to you (e.g. your bag, this is yours)
You're = You are (e.g. you're handsome, you're so funny)
just something I noticed in your vn and thought to give a little tip in remembering which one to use. I basically made a game to count how many "your" and "you're" are used in the wrong way haha no offense.
loved this new update, the comedy is peak and love all the interactions and funny art
This will be a bit of a long comment !💆♀️👌
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This VN is genuinely great, I highly recommend giving it a try. I've been following the development since day one, I believe. And it's such a fun read, I love the way they just openly break the fourth wall. The fact that once the author or even the literal plot gets brought into the conversation, they all just agree and move on... like immediately.
And the fact that I feel so included in the culture that's being showed is great. Loving it. 💕
Sending the author, Neo Neon a wonderful day. (❁´◡`❁)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(... Now, Below this, There will be spoilers and some bits of the story getting mentioned here and there, as of now, I will take into account only the shown story. Which is the entirety of the very first update as of me typing this right now.)😍
Oh Joshua, I feel for him. That moment with his father made me feel so much. I just hope we can somehow get out of that situation...😭
Now, in another more 'theorizing' mood, I am inclined to believe that the guys that were shown/introduced through a beautiful image, Those being, Kyle, Ethan and Richard, will maybe be Joshua's love interests?/maybe...
I am also still very unsure if the VN will end up following a more dark path, or maybe a more cheerful adventure...
In another mood... I'd be great if Joshua fights his father and wins... Maybe... idk if its my need of bloodshed talking.🙀
Also, in a more unrelated note, loved the little 'trivia' momento. This VN has such enormous potential to be... tragic, lighthearted, romantic, happy, sad, eventful and much much more.
Genuinely delighted to have discovered it in such early development.
⭐🌟✨🌟⭐
Very fun read and looking forward to future updates.
I quite like the balance between serious moments and humor.