Horojoke - March 28, 2007

Aries: Watch out for giant monsters today. Nanotechnology might eat your pride if you're not careful. I'm sensing a bad day. Oh, and wear yellow. It's happy, peaceful, cheerful. (Monsters rarely eat yellow. Y'know...like the snow.)

Taurus: Today you're going head to head with the Doctor. Yeah, you know the one. THE Doctor. Don't know who he is? Watch out for that sonic screwdriver. I recommend learning a couple of obscure Japanese phrases. Today is the day to learn about Japan.

Gemini: Your 'bad twin' is trying to make contact. Stay inside today. Bar the doors to prevent the end of the world. Seriously. The Dharma Initiative won't be helping you out this time. Don't order in, just make do with toast and salsa. Call in sick at work. The world will thank you one day. Oh wait, they won't. No one will know that they were just saved. Ah well, you're an unsung hero.

Cancer: Your best friend is angry. He's trying to help you through that tedious Vicodin problem and you're complaining about catheters. Think about others for once. Buy your best pal a card and some flowers. Avoid the chocolates. (It gives him gas.)

Leo: Buck up. You need to do the grocery shopping. Yeah, it's pouring cats and dogs, but it's not the end of the universe. That's tomorrow night. For now, make a happy dinner for two and a special guest will stop by.

Virgo: The galaxy is seriously not counting on you. If you want to go back to your moisture evaporators, go on ahead. We're getting along just fine without you. Put that lightsaber away. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.

Libra: Today is your day to shine. Yeah, really. The face is a little shiny. Maybe you should buy some facial cleaner or invest in a good soap. I recommend a nice mix of salt, oats, and toothpaste. It does wonders for my own skin. Worst comes to worst, you'll have a rash and need to see the hot doctor House. Enjoy!

Scorpio: Show your vulnerable side. Open up to your colleagues and give a good cry at work, even if they are just hokey crocodile tears. Everyone in the office seems to think  you're a hard-ass. Being human isn't so bad. You get used to it after a few hundred years. Wear a flower in your hair and a nice, light perfume.

Sagittarius: You clearly rock. We share a sign in common which gives you great magical powers. In the coming weeks a new empire will blossom under your wings. (Yes, you get to have sparkly wings. I think Aziraphale would approve.)

Capricorn: Check out Lez Girls by Jenny Schecter. You clearly need pointers.

Aquarius: Honey, you're too skinny. Buy a pizza and some cake. Beef it up a bit...just, you know, without the beef. Meat is gross. Soon you shall be my Cyberman girlfriend, my right-hand man/woman. The stars are smiling as you dance. Mozart frowns.

Pisces: Leave your ninja ways. Join up with the Scurvy Pequod! But beware the black and white horizontal stripes, they indicate a certain sexual status among the best of the best of pirates. If you're not ready to play, wear polka dots.