Parenting...and self-indulgence
03/31/2011: 3/4/4
I think watching ducks fly is one of the most beautiful experiences to have in the morning -particularly when they are eye level. On my drive this morning, two handsome ducks flew – one before the other – in direct line with my eyes [to the left ]. They’re long necks are adorable… and graceful. Birds are just amazing in general.
Before dropping my son at school, he noted a crow and a grackle ‘boxing’ in a sandbox that belongs to a Baptist church on the corner of the intersection.. I asked, “Well, how do you know one is a crow and the other is a grackle?” He said, “One is brown and the other is black.”
Hahaha, ok…I said, “Well, they are both grackles – the brown one is a female and the black one is a male.” …but that’s where I left it. Then I brought up the ‘Fight of the Grackles’ I saw last week. Simmer…on that information, son! Its spring…he’s smart and observant enough. To directly speak about the ‘birds and bees’ …I’m not ready…though we’ve already touched many bases on it through the years.
Just last night as he looked through the new Wildlife Explorer binder his maternal grandmother gave him, he expressed his discord with a mother giraffe giving birth. He said - after I made my under appreciation for the naked mole rat known– “Yeh, but I don’t like this too much… (as he turns to the giraffe page and points to the image and stages of birth)…the baby plops out of her butt. It’s gross!”
And so…regress… I must to the idea that women give birth from ‘the anus’…and to add…we use long, cotton sticks (that he happened to find in the restroom cabinet) to stop us from getting the runs! Or whatever….else…he imagined. Parenthood…it is the greatest experience of all – especially when one is moving towards a whole new awareness!
Strawberries -another awesome experience; the slow bursting of tang in your mouth when biting into a strawberry. It’s deliciously excitable! Very often I lack engrossing myself in the experience of flavor. I have often said that if I could go without eating or have an intravenous food source I wouldn’t miss that boat –sign me up as soon as fucking possible. Though…there are times when I am so connected to the experience of taste…that I have to revoke my idiocy. Can I do that –revoke idiocy!?
On another note, I’m reading an acquaintance’s blog. His name is Eric Wilson. He’s an Austin musician. I briefly met him a little over a month ago. He’s pretty good. As a matter of fact, good is an understated remark. I find his lyrics and music are very passionate. The name of his album is called The Twenties. I am excited to know that he’ll be writing new songs...hmmm…possibly a culmination of his early thirties and experiences abroad?!!!! Yeh…he’s currently a ‘tourista’ across the great divide. I’m intrigued to read of his experiences. It’s like crack…though I’ve never tried it…I imagine the addiction is the same. It’s a ‘fix’ to invent my own version and imagery of his story in my mind (I have no pictures to relate to). I even conjure up visions of the day I will be on my own journey.
Last year, I met two people that invited me to up and go – one, two weeks in Peru and the other, a month in Europe. At that moment in time, I invoked limitless worries. I left it open but it was very obvious that my answer was a ‘negative’.
Wow, imagine…people in and out of your life, the precession of culture, and having nothing but time to wander, note, and experience. Sounds lovely. I may have to wait to take my journey. Alone…is not how I will experience it…because my son deserves the refinement of experience.
I tweak…yeh, I have tweaked…because in the past alone is the only place I felt was ‘my home’. Alone. I thought the only way I could live...was alone. And I'd heard from the Universe - through channels - that I needed support. "Working together with others, Fellowship with others, The Army needs preserverance"
Everywhere I looked, it seemed I could find evidence of support - close-knit families, long-term couples, well-oiled teams in the corporate world...and yet, I felt it was difficult to attain. Why?
I used to fear ‘finding’ myself because I thought it meant my relatable-ness would dissipate. No one likes a person who is always happy. It is true a large mass of people can’t relate to HAPPINESS because they don't know how to create it for themselves. And so fuckin' what? Nevertheless, I was scared to learn. If I learn how to create happiness, then I leave the ‘dark’ behind - completely! What does that even mean?
The fact is…it’s never lost. We live in a world of duality - where polarities are a necessity; one simply does not survive without the other. The only difference is clarity in knowing how to create your own HAPPINESS. Anyone? Anyone....know what that means? And guess what?!!!! I feared that I would lose my capability to write in Anger, Judgement, Confusion, Withholding, Avoidance, Guilt, and Attachment . Low and behold, I am 150% capable of doing so, if I choose! And there's even more power in doing so...because...NOW... I have the clarity to see how it strung me along.
Little play strings!