My brain only has two gears — obsession and avoidance.
When I’m inspired, I can be motivated almost to mania. I’ll start a side project and spend all my free time working on it. I’ll immerse myself in Polish music, and watch Polish Peppa Pig. The ideas feel complete and within my reach if I just push a little further.
And then comes the crash.
Maybe work gets busy or the task becomes more demanding than expected. Maybe life just barges in, uninvited. Whatever the reason, my energy runs out. The inspiration is still there, just… shoved to the back. I feel guilty. I wonder why I can’t just push through it — why I can’t just stick with it.
The High of Starting
I know I’m in obsession mode when I’m on my personal laptop in the morning, maybe again at lunch, and definitely after work and on weekends. I’m a developer — I spend all day on a computer, Monday through Friday. So when I still want more screen time that isn't just background music or scrolling, that’s the tell.
In those moments, I feel unstoppable. I get excited. I tell my friends way too much about whatever it is — a side project, a weird bug I fixed, or something new I learned in Polish. I think about it obsessively. I feel sharp, capable, and certain that this time I’ll follow through to the finish line.
The Guilt Spiral
But when that energy fades, the silence creeps in. I don’t feel sharp anymore — I feel like I’ve failed. It’s so easy to slip into the internal monologue of self-doubt:
“I’m just lazy.”
“Am I even a real developer?”
“Who am I kidding? I’ll never be truly fluent in Polish.”
These thoughts still come up, but I’m better at recognizing them now. I've worked hard to be able to name the cycle — and name it while I'm in it — especially with my partner. That helps interrupt the spiral, even if it doesn’t stop it completely.
Rethinking the Crash
Last night, I watched an interview with one of my favorite writer/directors, Mike White (The White Lotus, Chuck & Buck). He talked about his own cycles of inspiration — how sometimes he’s just watching TV, reading a book, or staring into space. From the outside, it might look like nothing is happening. But inside his brain, he’s working — getting inspired, taking notes, fleshing out ideas.
That really stuck with me.
I’m not Mike White, and I don’t have a lifehack for this. I’m still in the crash right now actually. But I’m showing up — writing this post — and I’m realizing how advantageous the off-time can be. Maybe this lull is when inspiration actually starts. Maybe this is where the next idea takes root.
So have I really been toggling between obsession and avoidance?
Perhaps a reframe is needed. I'm just living out a creative cycle — one that includes stillness as much as momentum. And self-care and recharging my mind and body are just as important in this process.
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