she's runnin out the door
The trip was really nice and I have a lot of stories, but now that I'm home I almost hate that I went. I love New York, I really do. It will probably always be my passion...but I feel so miserable being home. I'm a completely different person here than I was in Pennsylvania. I get angry and I hit things. I can't control myself. I can't sleep easily and as long as I am awake I want to hurt myself. I feel caged in and pretty much worthless. I didn't feel that way when I out of state. I felt like my stress levels were at a minimum and I was able to relax and to sleep and joke around and laugh without trying. I wasn't angry, I didn't want to hurt myself and I felt free. I felt almost normal. I know I really needed that, to feel that way for a while...it just sucks coming home and losing all of those good feelings just by taking a step over the threshold. God it's so fucking miserable here.
i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice when i'm not around
you're so fucking special
i wish i were special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here
that one last line has been repeating in my head non-stop for the past 28 hours. It's almost annoying. I've been panicking pretty much the entire day. I think I'm having some sort of a breakdown. I can't shake this depression and I can't shake this panicky feeling. All I want to do is mutilate the hell out of my body. I want to rip my skin apart and take off running. I want to take right the fuck off running. I want to feel my naked soles burning against the pavement.
Of course I can't. I can sit here and wait until time finally passes and I board that ferry and leave for school. It's going to be hard doing that though if I can't shake this.
I want someone to feel this. Selfishly. But I think I would find some sort of pleasure in knowing someone else is feeling this. I always feel alone and maybe if someone else were just as miserable and in just the same way I wouldn't feel so lonely any more. I want someone to be there when I crash into a wall. And I don't want a voyeur. I want a fucking trainwreck.
I live amongst voyeurs and parasites. I want someone to burn with me.
i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice when i'm not around
you're so fucking special
i wish i were special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here
that one last line has been repeating in my head non-stop for the past 28 hours. It's almost annoying. I've been panicking pretty much the entire day. I think I'm having some sort of a breakdown. I can't shake this depression and I can't shake this panicky feeling. All I want to do is mutilate the hell out of my body. I want to rip my skin apart and take off running. I want to take right the fuck off running. I want to feel my naked soles burning against the pavement.
Of course I can't. I can sit here and wait until time finally passes and I board that ferry and leave for school. It's going to be hard doing that though if I can't shake this.
I want someone to feel this. Selfishly. But I think I would find some sort of pleasure in knowing someone else is feeling this. I always feel alone and maybe if someone else were just as miserable and in just the same way I wouldn't feel so lonely any more. I want someone to be there when I crash into a wall. And I don't want a voyeur. I want a fucking trainwreck.
I live amongst voyeurs and parasites. I want someone to burn with me.