cw: Wade Wilson

[ The video feed is fumbled, as if this might have been an accidental video. But then a maskless Wade makes direct eye contact, and mutters: ] Oh, whoopsie.

[ He turns away from the video, speaking to someone off-screen. ] She said double-date, which is basically the psychological version of waterboarding. I'd love to but I have a meeting scheduled for whenever that is to punch myself in the dick repeatedly.

[ His point is probably undercut by the grin on his face. Anyone familiar with Peter Parker the far too punny chemistry teacher, they'll recognise his voice from off-screen. ] You're being way too dramatic... Think of it more like... waterboarding that rewards you with food after every dunk; soooo we're totally gonna go, because I'm a growing boy and I want to talk crap about you in front of a willing audience.

[ A flat look is aimed toward Peter, before Wade lifts a gloved hand to his red leather clad chest. ] Aw, Babe. You wanna talk about me.

Yeah sure, maybe I'll downward spiral into telling them how your house is a haunted nest of nightmares, or how you won't throw soup boy out, or how you never take out the trash, or how you make horrible spider puns any time we-- [ Peter pokes his head into the corner of the footage, paused in the process of dragging a shirt over his head like he’s been caught red-handed; scowly, concerned eyebrows are in full force. Are those hickeys? Perish the thought. ] Are you networking this?

I'm not not networking this. I accidentally turned it on early. It happens all the time. [ That is definitely a double-entendre with that grin. Gross, he's the worst. ] Aaanywho! [ His attention finds the camera feed again. ] I'm not here to talk about Soup Boy and how he's a national-goddamn-treasure, I'm here to talk about guns. Guns are great -- This Is America, yadda yadda, Childish Gambino. Who doesn't love mini-explosions in their hands that unalive bad guys? They're the gateway drug to C-4 and Semtex. My point is: over half of you with guns haven't taken a safety course with them a day in your life. So here I am, to be the graceful higher-power and inform you all that Frank Castle, owner of the diner with the tasty tasty pancakes is here for all your needs.

He can be found at [ Have Frankie's number, everyone. ] and he would love to show all you guys, gals, and pals how to not blow your junk off or get a recoil punch in the face -- we've all seen that YouTube video.

[ He turns back to Peter with another shit-eating look on his face. ] You're sitting next to Francine!

WHAT, NO, WAIT-

[ Click! ]

( replies may come from Wade or Peter or both. )