CSI: LAS VEGAS QUOTES
Nick: Wait, are you telling me that in a few years that four year olds are going to be getting...trashed?
Hodges: Yeah, pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook
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Sara Sidle: What was that all about? Grissom signs?
Warrick Brown: You know he drinks when he goes out at night?
Sara Sidle: He goes out?
Warrick Brown: Exactly. Who knows anything about that guy?
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Captain Jim Brass: You're under arrest for obstructing justice, tampering with state's evidence, and violating seven articles of being scumbag.
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Paul Newsome, District Engineer: Look, lady...
Catherine Willows: Catherine.
Paul Newsome, District Engineer: Sorry.
Catherine Willows: Don't say "Sorry". Just know who you're talking to.
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Nick Stokes: Hey, Greg
Greg Sanders: [looking through the microscope] Shh! I might be looking at the mother of my children here.
Nick Stokes: Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.
Greg Sanders: No, man, this is serious. I had a date last night and this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just... BAM! Shoulder-length blonde hair, intelligent, and she smells so good.
Nick Stokes: Cute toes?
Greg Sanders: Oh, ideal!
Nick Stokes: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: And none are longer than the big toe.
Nick Stokes: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: Both feet. But, you know, what I need to know is what's on the inside?
Nick Stokes: Oh, what's in her heart?
Greg Sanders: No... her DNA. And let me tell you, this girl has got some fine epithelials.
Nick Stokes: [laughing] Dude, you're sick. Man, you've officially lost it!
Greg Sanders: No, no. There is this guy in Louisville. He charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now, that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.
Nick Stokes: But whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee, letting the relationship evolve? Romantic is sending flowers, not bogarting her skin cells.
Greg Sanders: Ahh, that's boring.
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Greg Sanders: Cath? Your DNA results are back. According to my DNA data, the chances are 814 quadrillion to one - that your suspect is our killer. Pretty good stats...
Catherine Willows: Yeah, considering there are only six billion people in world.
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[Eddie, Cath's ex is accused of rape]
Gil Grissom: What's the status?
Catherine Willows: Skin samples from under the women's fingernails are consistent with Ed's. I saw some bruises. But Eddie's style has always been very... involved. Vigorous.
Gil Grissom: ...Vigorous.
Warrick Brown: She's trying to tell you Eddie likes it rough.
Catherine Willows: Thank you, Warrick.
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Gil Grissom: To get to the evidence, we may destroy the evidence.
Catherine Willows: Do you get these haikus out of a book, or do they just come to you?
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[upon finding an insect on the victim's clothes]
Gil Grissom: It's a carpet beetle. It shouldn't be here.
Catherine Willows: The vic seem more like a hardwood floors kind of guy to you?
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Catherine Willows: We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?
Gil Grissom: Well, unless I get these evaluations in, I'll be written up.
Catherine Willows: My goals... all right, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.
Gil Grissom: You don't have a personal life?
Catherine Willows: Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months.
Gil Grissom: How can I help?
[Her eyes widen]
Gil Grissom: You. Advance, I mean.
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Catherine Willows: I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship.
Gil Grissom: We do?
Catherine Willows: When we have a problem, I don't paint Greg in latex and stick a straw up his nose.
Gil Grissom: Good. He'd probably like it.
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Woman: You don't know what you're talking about.
Catherine Willows: Well, that's a pretty dangerous thing to say to a scientist.
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Club manager: Listen, this guy was scaring my customers, so I drove him out of town.
Nick Stokes: You didn't, by any chance, happen to put him in a bag and dropped him off a hill into a gully did you?
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watching an attractive girl undress in a video]
Nick Stokes: BLAM.
Archie: You can say THAT again.
Nick Stokes: BLAM.
Catherine Willows: Down boys.
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Gil Grissom: You showered.
Catherine Willows: Thanks for noticing Gil, you're very observant.
Gil Grissom: [studying a surveillance tape and inadvertently blocking Cath's view] Can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like?
Catherine Willows: A five-foot-eleven workaholic.
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Medic: There is something wrong in the world if all you do is handle test tubes.
Catherine Willows: If you think that's all I handle, you'd be very mistaken.
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Hodges: It's a good thing you don't need to pass a spelling test to work the field, "funtain" water?
Greg Sanders: My people are Norwegian, that's how we spell it. So was the funtain water in her lungs?
Greg Sanders: ...so she dies in a pool?
Hodges: Or a spa. And by the way, that's spelled S-P-A, in any language
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Sara Sidle: Hey, Grissom. Can you come tape me up?
Gil Grissom: [after Sidle goes back into the room] I love my job.
Catherine Willows: It shows.
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[Dr. Robbins has received a human head in the mail]
[Grissom walks into the room]
Gil Grissom: I heard you got some head.
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Gil Grissom: Question. You come home, see your husband lying in the driveway, what do you do?
Greg Sanders: ...is that a trick question?
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[identifying an insect at a crime scene]
Gil Grissom: Dermastidae masculatus.
Sara Sidle: That's Latin for "You're hiding a dead body."
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Brass: What do we do... put out an A.P.B. on Tom and Jerry?
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Striper(to Grissom): You sure you don't want a dance? I could be your specimen, you could be my mad scientist.
Catherine: He already is sweetheart, thanks.
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Catherine: what's with the tape?
Greg: The evidence wasn't co-operating so I stuck it to 'em!
Catherine: cute.
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Grissom: Don't worry, I have water. (Walks away)
Catherine: (Yells) Who are you today? Moses?!
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Sara: (to Greg) I heard you finally lost your virginity.
Sara: (clarifies) First autopsy. How was it?
Greg: It was fine. How was your first time? How did you react?
Sara: I puked.
Greg: I didn't puke.
Sara: Way to go, tough guy.
Greg: It was weird, seeing a body laying on a table like that. Doc Robbins just pulling out his insides until it was all empty.
Sara: Were you expecting a ball of light?
Greg: Doc Robbins said, "That's all we really are."
Sara: It's what you do with it that counts.
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Whew, that was long! Sorry about that, hope everyone enjoys them!