The con was fun but...
I donno. I feel so sad lately that even that couldn't shake it out of me.
These BW rumors have my stomach in knots because I just KNOW that I'm going to wind up getting attached to someone in it (no idea who yet, just a general thought). And the last DP episode...well, it was disappointing. I wanted closure on TG and I know I'm not the only one (others have spoken to me about the subject). We want to know what happened to Cyrus. We want to know about his new universe. Also we want to know where the hell Charon ran off to, because that had to have a purpose.
But hey, first new Rocket since early Hoenn! Not counting Christopher, since he's technically an ex-Rocket, the last one we got was the undercover burger girl who gave B&C their assignment on the bottom of a box of fries.
I don't want to do anything lately but lie in bed and think about characters. I want a hug, and more often than not I also want to hug them. I know they don't exist, but that makes it even more difficult.
Why is this happening now? Aren't I supposed to be over this? Aren't my fixations supposed to manifest differently now that I've been out of puberty for ten years? I thought the freaky emotional stuff I had as a teenager was because of hormone levels wildly fluxuating or something. But instead they just keep going.
And it bothers me to the point where I feel like crying constantly. I want them to be ok, but I can't influence it at all. Writing fics is just fantasy. I want the people who write the canons to give these people a good end. That's why I love DPA, or one of the reasons. Hareta does what the player character *should* do and tries to reason with Cyrus. And we know that Hareta can feel hatred, because he hates Charon, and for good reason (I think Cyrus misinterpreted things when he said that Hareta was "without a shadow of anger" because Hareta was still pretty mad at him even in that scene. He just didn't *hate* him).
How much of this is self-reflection? I saw a fandom secret a while back where someone said that it bothered them when people said that Azula from ATLA would never get better because they saw a lot of themself in her and wanted there to be hope for them too. And I feel the same way about Cyrus. I want things to be better for him (they'll never really be "ok", but Ihara showed that he can find happiness in the world) because I see so much of me in him. But I also want things to be better for him aside from that, just as a matter of principle. That part goes with my idea that the reason the team was still around at the end of the game was because the game makers wanted us to realize that, while Cyrus himself took it too far, he had a valid point that could be salvaged if rid of its extremism. And really, he did. He was right about a lot of things, but took it to the point where even people who agreed with his line of thought (ie, the players) not only had to stop him, but wanted to stop him. And I did, and I still do. But I want to stop him from running away, too. I want to stop him from banishing himself, even if the only thing keeping him away is his own stubbornness.
...I'm not sure how much of that is the reflection factor. Some things aren't at all. I think my sympathy towards him comes from a variety of influences, really.
Jiri...Jiri is interesting. Again there's a lot of me in there, again there's the dichotomy of both wanting his downfall and wanting to pick up the pieces, again there's a lot of things that are entirely divorced from myself. But I should be able to see his thought process clearer, shouldn't I? Especially since I'm convinced that he's also autistic (interestingly, some people think Cyrus is, but I don't see it at all in him. Jiri on the other hand is practically textbook). I know that's not exactly a cut-and-dry thing, but it should be closer, right? Just a bit?
But Jiri is also sort of lost. I'm still not convinced that he learned anything at the end, or even understood why he just lost everything. And the absence of a connection to his loss is strange, unless he just doesn't show it (count his facial expressions in the film. He has about four visible moods the entire time).
...The weather influences my mood a lot. Not even that really, but the temperature. When it gets colder, I get really fucked up, no matter the actual weather. I look ahead to the end of the year and I think of it as a barren wasteland. That's my visual representation of fall--a hollow time with mindless actions.
I used to love Halloween. I'd prepare all October for it. But now it's just "pop on a costume for an hour or so and hand out candy" without any real action. I hardly even decorate any more, and I never go anywhere.
Thanksgiving is boring and always has been. The same food, the same people, the same brown room looking out over a dark yard. It's like being in a cave.
Christmas is months of planning leading to a few hours of excitement and then nothing. It's a letdown. And the shopping is tedious with the same damn songs played every single year.
I really hate this time of year. It's boring, boring, boring. So hollow.
I want to go out and do something but I can't.
I donno. I feel so sad lately that even that couldn't shake it out of me.
These BW rumors have my stomach in knots because I just KNOW that I'm going to wind up getting attached to someone in it (no idea who yet, just a general thought). And the last DP episode...well, it was disappointing. I wanted closure on TG and I know I'm not the only one (others have spoken to me about the subject). We want to know what happened to Cyrus. We want to know about his new universe. Also we want to know where the hell Charon ran off to, because that had to have a purpose.
But hey, first new Rocket since early Hoenn! Not counting Christopher, since he's technically an ex-Rocket, the last one we got was the undercover burger girl who gave B&C their assignment on the bottom of a box of fries.
I don't want to do anything lately but lie in bed and think about characters. I want a hug, and more often than not I also want to hug them. I know they don't exist, but that makes it even more difficult.
Why is this happening now? Aren't I supposed to be over this? Aren't my fixations supposed to manifest differently now that I've been out of puberty for ten years? I thought the freaky emotional stuff I had as a teenager was because of hormone levels wildly fluxuating or something. But instead they just keep going.
And it bothers me to the point where I feel like crying constantly. I want them to be ok, but I can't influence it at all. Writing fics is just fantasy. I want the people who write the canons to give these people a good end. That's why I love DPA, or one of the reasons. Hareta does what the player character *should* do and tries to reason with Cyrus. And we know that Hareta can feel hatred, because he hates Charon, and for good reason (I think Cyrus misinterpreted things when he said that Hareta was "without a shadow of anger" because Hareta was still pretty mad at him even in that scene. He just didn't *hate* him).
How much of this is self-reflection? I saw a fandom secret a while back where someone said that it bothered them when people said that Azula from ATLA would never get better because they saw a lot of themself in her and wanted there to be hope for them too. And I feel the same way about Cyrus. I want things to be better for him (they'll never really be "ok", but Ihara showed that he can find happiness in the world) because I see so much of me in him. But I also want things to be better for him aside from that, just as a matter of principle. That part goes with my idea that the reason the team was still around at the end of the game was because the game makers wanted us to realize that, while Cyrus himself took it too far, he had a valid point that could be salvaged if rid of its extremism. And really, he did. He was right about a lot of things, but took it to the point where even people who agreed with his line of thought (ie, the players) not only had to stop him, but wanted to stop him. And I did, and I still do. But I want to stop him from running away, too. I want to stop him from banishing himself, even if the only thing keeping him away is his own stubbornness.
...I'm not sure how much of that is the reflection factor. Some things aren't at all. I think my sympathy towards him comes from a variety of influences, really.
Jiri...Jiri is interesting. Again there's a lot of me in there, again there's the dichotomy of both wanting his downfall and wanting to pick up the pieces, again there's a lot of things that are entirely divorced from myself. But I should be able to see his thought process clearer, shouldn't I? Especially since I'm convinced that he's also autistic (interestingly, some people think Cyrus is, but I don't see it at all in him. Jiri on the other hand is practically textbook). I know that's not exactly a cut-and-dry thing, but it should be closer, right? Just a bit?
But Jiri is also sort of lost. I'm still not convinced that he learned anything at the end, or even understood why he just lost everything. And the absence of a connection to his loss is strange, unless he just doesn't show it (count his facial expressions in the film. He has about four visible moods the entire time).
...The weather influences my mood a lot. Not even that really, but the temperature. When it gets colder, I get really fucked up, no matter the actual weather. I look ahead to the end of the year and I think of it as a barren wasteland. That's my visual representation of fall--a hollow time with mindless actions.
I used to love Halloween. I'd prepare all October for it. But now it's just "pop on a costume for an hour or so and hand out candy" without any real action. I hardly even decorate any more, and I never go anywhere.
Thanksgiving is boring and always has been. The same food, the same people, the same brown room looking out over a dark yard. It's like being in a cave.
Christmas is months of planning leading to a few hours of excitement and then nothing. It's a letdown. And the shopping is tedious with the same damn songs played every single year.
I really hate this time of year. It's boring, boring, boring. So hollow.
I want to go out and do something but I can't.