Wistful Thinking: Loveless Fic

Wistful Thinking

 

 

Even before they met, Kio noticed Agatsuma Soubi’s art.  He first saw it at a student art show--drawings of flowers, butterflies and kittens.  The friend he was with proclaimed that it was “unredeemed kitsch.”  Kio didn’t agree. 

 

He saw in the drawings layers of deception, or maybe it was wistful thinking.  They were images of beautiful, innocent things that had been made by someone who seemed to long for them to be just that, beautiful and innocent, but knew them to be otherwise.  Somehow this way of looking at the world reminded Kio a little too much of himself, how he lived.  He flirted and pouted and lived as if life was something light, something breezy, while all the while he knew it was not. 

 

Not long after this, Kio realized that the artist whose drawings so baffled and intrigued him had been in his printmaking workshop all semester—a quiet, intensely focused guy who only made it to class about half the time.  He never talked to anyone.  Kio had never been able to figure out if it was because he was stuck-up or shy, but he started paying attention to Soubi, making a point of talking to him, trying to draw him out. 

 

Like his art, Soubi was beautiful and dishonest.  Or was he just sad?  

 

Soubi was aloof, acting as if Kio’s friendly overtures were a mildly irritating distraction, yet at the same time he seemed to want (perhaps even need) the attention.  He lied, often and badly.  For the first few weeks of their acquaintance, Soubi claimed that he lived with his girlfriend, then dropped the story entirely and started making Kio dinner at his place nearly every night.

 

Because Kio was falling for him, he let Soubi tell lies and act superior.  He didn’t take it personally or seriously, and he didn’t believe any of it for a minute.

 

 He was pretty sure that Soubi liked him--liked his company, wanted to be around him, and was maybe attracted to him.  After all, Soubi responded to Kio’s flirting, and though he claimed to be straight, he let it slip that he’d lost his ears with an older man.  Still, it was too early to tell if something was developing, if they would be lovers or friends.

 

Then everything changed.

 

*****

 

Soubi had always missed a lot of class.  After Kio befriended him, his attendance had improved though he often showed up with dark circles under his eyes, looking totally worn out.  While he had no illusions that Agatsuma Soubi’s world was centered on him, Kio suspected that Soubi made the extra effort to show up for the sake of seeing him.  Kio was preferable to being alone, and that meant a lot coming from someone like Soubi who generally kept to himself. 

 

So, when Soubi failed to come to the printmaking midterms, Kio decided to find out what was going on.  He went, uninvited, to Soubi’s apartment and was surprised to find the door not only unlocked but ajar.  Soubi was lying on the floor just inside the door.  One pane of his glasses was shattered and his pale hair was matted with blood from a gash on his forehead.  Kio ran to his side, trying to rouse him.

 

“Oh my God.  Soubi, can you hear me?  I’m going to call an ambulance…”

 

“Don’t,” Soubi managed to order with surprising strength.  “What are you doing here?”

 

“Picking your ass up off the floor,” Kio snapped with a touch of indignation. 

 

“I’m fine.  I’m not hurt that bad, just drained.  I got dizzy…”

 

“Head injuries can do that.”

 

“If it was serious, I’d be in a coma by now.  You need to get out of here.”  Soubi got to his feet, then promptly lurched forward and would have hit the floor again if Kio hadn’t grabbed him.  “I’m fine, really.  I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

 

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

 

Soubi let Kio clean him up and help him to bed only after extorting a promise that there would be no calling for help, no questions, and that Kio would leave immediately.  Kio, of course, had no intention of leaving.  After Soubi was taken care of, he grabbed a blanket and some chair cushions and settled in to keep watch for the night. 

 

*****

 

He was jolted awake by someone shrieking, screeching obscenities in a high-pitched, livid voice that reminded him chillingly of recordings he’d heard of Hitler’s speeches. 

 

The apartment was dark, and the purple half-light outside indicated that it was very early morning.  Still half asleep, wondering if he was dreaming, Kio made his way to Soubi’s room where the voice was coming from.

 

Soubi was out of bed, standing unsteadily at the window.  He was shirtless, and even in the dimness, Kio could make out a tangle of marks across his back.  Something, someone, was beside him, the dark shadow of a panther shrieking.  For a minute he was scared, really scared.  He wanted to turn his back, get away, run from this thing, save himself, and forget about Agatsuma Soubi.  For a minute he was scared … but no, it wasn’t a panther, wasn’t a monster.  It was just some kid--a tall, slender kid who still had his ears--pitching a hissy fit. 

 

“Hey,” Kio said loudly.  “Why don’t you shut up?” 

 

The kid shut up.  Everything was absolutely quiet, and then the kid laughed.

 

“Who is this person?” the boy asked Soubi. 

 

“Just somebody from school,” Soubi muttered.  His head was bowed, and he was frantically pulling on a shirt.  “I told him to go away.  He must not have listened.”

 

“Thanks a lot,” Kio snapped and stepped up to the kid.  “Who are you?” he demanded.  “Why are you yelling at him like that?  Can’t you see he’s hurt?”

 

“He’s feisty,” the boy chuckled, still addressing Soubi.  He seemed to have gone in a matter of seconds from being a raving lunatic to cool, amused and perfectly in control.  This abrupt transformation creeped Kio out more than if he’d kept screaming.  “He must like you a lot.” 

 

“I guess,” Soubi said, his words barely audible. 

 

“I’m Aoyagi Seimei,” the kid said cheerfully, speaking directly to Kio for the first time.  “I think it’s kind of cute that Soubi has an admirer so I’m going to let him keep you for now, but you’d better stay out of my way or you’ll be sorry.”

 

“You little twerp…” Kio yelled. 

 

“I have to go now,” Seimei said calmly.  “I have school in a few hours.”  Then he walked out, just like that.  When he was gone, Soubi sank down onto his bed, head in his hands. 

 

“Soubi…What’s going on?” Kio asked.  “Who is that guy?  Why were you letting him scream at you like that? 

 

He expected Soubi to lie and be evasive as usual, but this time that didn’t happen.  Maybe because he was tired and hurt and weak or maybe because he had needed to tell someone for a very long time, Soubi told Kio everything—how his parents had died when he was small, and he’d been sent to the Shichisei Gakuen, where Ritsu-sensei beat him and took his ears and trained him to be a fighter unit.  His fighter unit Soubi had believed until Ritsu had handed him over to Seimei the year before.   Now, he was Seimei’s fighter unit, Seimei his sacrifice and master. 

 

“Are you in love with him?” Kio asked.

 

“It’s more than love,” Soubi tried to explain.  “We’re bonded as fighter and sacrifice.  We share a name.  It’s not something you’d understand.  You don’t have to be friends with me anymore.”

 

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” Kio said, trying to make it a joke.

 

“Why would you want to be involved in this?” Soubi asked. 

 

Kio flirted and pouted and lived as if life was something light, something breezy, while all the while he knew it was not. 

 

Why did he want to get involved?

 

It was a good question. 

 

Kio didn’t answer it. 

 

*****

 

After that night, Soubi tried to go back to lying, back to pretending that nothing was wrong, but Kio wouldn’t let him.  He wanted to know what was going on with Seimei, why had he been screaming at Soubi?  Did he do it often?  What about the scars?  They were from Ritsu-sensei, Soubi told him.  What about the other marks?  They were fresh, raw, and new. 

 

Kio saw these marks several weeks after his encounter with Seimei.  Soubi ended up spending the night at Kio’s apartment.  They hadn’t had sex or even kissed, but they’d held each other, lay in each others arms with nothing between them. 

 

“Where did you get these marks?” Kio had asked for the first time. 

 

“Keep asking and you’ll never see them again,” Soubi had warned him. 

 

Kio caught glimpses of Seimei—on the street, at Soubi’s apartment, even at the studio—and each time he spotted the younger boy, he found his fists were clenched and his heart was beating too fast.  He didn’t like Aoyagi Seimei, didn’t like the power he had over Soubi or the way he used it. 

 

“Don’t let him hurt you, Sou-chan,” Kio pleaded.  “You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” 

 

“It’s really none of your business,” Soubi told him.  His voice was cold, but concern flickered across his eyes.  “You need to back off; I don’t want you to annoy Seimei.”

 

“Seimei annoys me, and he should annoy you.  I don’t buy any of this stuff about a bond beyond love.  I think you’ve been brainwashed to believe in it, but deep down you can’t stand Seimei any more than you could stand Ritsu.  I think you hate his guts.  You just can’t admit it.”  

 

“Back off, Kio.  You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.  I never should have told you about this.  Why are you getting involved?”

 

“I’m your friend.”

 

Soubi arched an eyebrow.

 

“But you want us to be more than friends, don’t you?  It’s not going to happen,” he said sternly.

 

“What about the other night?  It seemed like we were getting pretty close…”

 

“That was nothing,” Soubi said blankly.  “It’s not going to happen again.”

 

It happened again, more than once—platonic but intense.  Kio got used to Soubi pushing him away while holding on for dear life.  He only hoped he was giving Soubi something, anything that would take away a little of Seimei’s power.   

 

*****

 

Kio was in the print studio working late, something he occasionally did.  The building closed at 11:00 p.m., but Kio had charmed the janitor into letting him stay after hours.  He was deeply absorbed in carving out a woodblock when he looked up and saw Soubi standing in front of him.

 

“Hi, I didn’t know you were meeting me here…” Kio started to say, then he stopped.  Something was wrong.  Soubi looked strange, almost ghostly, too quiet, and too pale.  “Sou-chan, what’s wrong?”

 

Soubi caught him by the wrist, by the throat, pulled him to his feet and started kissing him roughly. 

 

“What are you doing?” Kio asked, but he responded.  After all, he had been waiting for this.  They hadn’t kissed before; Soubi had always refused, shied away.  Now he seemed to want it as much as Kio did.

 

And yet…

 

For all the violence Soubi kissed Kio with, there was nothing there--no heat, not even warmth.  It was a wholly physical motion.  Something really was wrong.

 

“Sou-chan, stop it.”  Kio pushed Soubi away and found himself face to face with Aoyagi Seimei. 

 

“What’s the matter?” Seimei asked.  “Don’t you like it?  Isn’t that what you’ve been after?”

 

“Soubi. Why…”

 

Seimei smiled patiently, as if speaking to an idiot child.

 

“He kissed you because I told him to.  He didn’t want to, but I ordered him to.”  He picked up the gouge Kio had been carving with.  “If I’d told him to hurt you, he’d do that too, wouldn’t you, Soubi?”

 

“I don’t like this,” Soubi muttered.

 

“Wouldn’t you, Soubi?”  Seimei repeated.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“If I told him to stand here and watch while I hurt you, he would,” Seimei went on.  He pressed the curve of the gouge gently against Kio’s wrist.  “You’re trembling.  I think you’re finally afraid of me.  That’s good.  You should be.”

 

He took the blade away from Kio’s skin, then without warning raked it across Soubi’s arm, drawing blood.  Kio cried out, but Soubi didn’t even flinch.

 

“You can’t come between a sacrifice and their fighter unit,” Seimei said to Kio.  “Don’t even try.  Stupid people like you make me laugh, so I won’t hurt you tonight, but remember I can anytime I want to … and I can hurt him, too.  Get it?”

 

Kio nodded frantically.

 

“Good.  You can take care of Soubi’s cut.  I don’t like blood.”

 

*****

 

 Seimei left them in the studio.  There was no reason for him to stay.  He had made it painfully clear that Kio couldn’t do anything that would touch him.  Kio did what he had been ordered, helped Soubi clean and bandage his arm, but all the while he was shaking, his face flushed with rage.  He couldn’t even look at Soubi. 

 

“Some friend you are,” he finally snarled.  “You really would have just stood there and let him cut me up.  You would have done it yourself if he’d asked.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Soubi said.

 

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry, deny it.”

 

“I can’t.” 

 

“I hate him,” Kio exploded.  “And I hate you for doing what he says.” 

 

“I never should have expected someone like you to understand any of this.”

 

“What do you mean ‘someone like me’?”

 

“You’re not a fighter or a sacrifice.  You’re just a normal person.  You’re ignorant, like Seimei said.”

 

“Fuck you, Agatsuma.  I mean it.  Fuck you.  You’re the one who’s ignorant.  There’s a whole world that has nothing to do with spell battles or fighters or sacrifices, and you don’t know a thing about it.  You don’t know a thing about me.  You don’t even want to know; you don’t care.”

 

Kio flirted and pouted and lived as if life was something light, something breezy, while all the while he knew it was not. 

 

“I know stuff,” Kio said.  “Maybe it’s not the stuff you think is important, but I know more about you than you think.  My mom had a thing for guys who hurt her, too.  She didn’t plan for it to happen, but she always managed to end up with guys who slapped her around.  It was this big secret I wasn’t supposed to know, but I did.  I just had to pretend I didn’t know because it would have made her feel like a lousy mother if I’d known.  So I knew, and I never said a word about it, never did anything to help her.  I just got out as soon as I could.” 

 

“You were a kid,” Soubi said.  “You couldn’t have done anything.  You were right to leave.  That’s what you should do now.”

 

They were both silent for a long time.   

 

“What you said doesn’t have anything to do with me,” Soubi finally said.  “I’m not like your mother.  She made stupid choices.  I’m not like that.  I was meant to be owned.  I’m supposed to belong to Seimei.  It’s what I want.” 

 

“My mom wanted to belong to somebody, too,” Kio said.  He wasn’t mad any more, just sad.  He couldn’t save Soubi any more than he could have saved his mother when he was a little kid.  It was wistful thinking, yet even so he was going to bang his head against the wall of Agatsuma Soubi as hard as he could for as long as he could.  He wasn’t mad any more.  He took Soubi’s hand. 

 

“Do you really want me to go away, Sou-chan?” Kio asked.  “Do you want me to stop being your friend?”

 

“I want to do what Seimei says,” Soubi muttered, clutching Kio’s hand.  “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

 

“Do you want me to go away?”

 

“No.  Don’t leave me.  You’re all I have.”