motherhood #2
I am currently 14 weeks pregnant. I am having trouble wrapping my head around being the mother of 2. Especially because my two kids will only be 16 months apart. I can't imagine what its going to be like. I am terrified. I am not too sure that I'm doing a real hot job of being a mother of one. I don't feel very excited or connected to this pregnancy. I didn't the first time. The whole thing feels so alien to me. I can't see myself as a mom even though I've been doing it for nearly 11 months now. It has gotten easier, but some days I find myself fantasizing about the past... About life before baby. Things were so much easier, I was only responsible for myself. Now everything I do affects the lives of two other people, three if I include Matt in that.
Matt has been working so many hours so I can stay home with our daughter, and I am so thankful, but I am also a little jealous somtimes. I have only been away from her one day in 11 months. I don't even remember what its like to be alone anymore.
My feelings of indifference towards things make me feel really guilty sometimes. There are so many people who want children so badly and can't have them, like my cousin Richard and his wife Jessie. It makes me feel really bad that I don't love parenting more. But I can't help how I feel.
I love my daughter so much, and everyday she seems to get more and more fun. I just miss things being easy. I feel sometimes like its just endless diapers and doctors apoointments. She didn't gain much weight between 6 and 9 months and that opened a whole can of worms with her doctor. She has been putting her through the wringer with so many tests and appointments with specialists. I really think that she's fine. I started feeding her a lot more after I found out how little she had grown and she gained almost a pound and an inch in less than a month, so I really think that it was just because I wasn't getting enough calories in her. However, her doctor still wants to do all this genetic testing and have a ct scan done of her head. I am not a big fan of the idea, she already had a head xray which came back fine. I just hate putting her through all the tests, its like torture. It took 5 of us just to hold her down to get labs drawn, it was terrible. To do the ct scan they would have to start an iv, probably in her head-fuck that.
I'm rambling.
Matt has been working so many hours so I can stay home with our daughter, and I am so thankful, but I am also a little jealous somtimes. I have only been away from her one day in 11 months. I don't even remember what its like to be alone anymore.
My feelings of indifference towards things make me feel really guilty sometimes. There are so many people who want children so badly and can't have them, like my cousin Richard and his wife Jessie. It makes me feel really bad that I don't love parenting more. But I can't help how I feel.
I love my daughter so much, and everyday she seems to get more and more fun. I just miss things being easy. I feel sometimes like its just endless diapers and doctors apoointments. She didn't gain much weight between 6 and 9 months and that opened a whole can of worms with her doctor. She has been putting her through the wringer with so many tests and appointments with specialists. I really think that she's fine. I started feeding her a lot more after I found out how little she had grown and she gained almost a pound and an inch in less than a month, so I really think that it was just because I wasn't getting enough calories in her. However, her doctor still wants to do all this genetic testing and have a ct scan done of her head. I am not a big fan of the idea, she already had a head xray which came back fine. I just hate putting her through all the tests, its like torture. It took 5 of us just to hold her down to get labs drawn, it was terrible. To do the ct scan they would have to start an iv, probably in her head-fuck that.
I'm rambling.