Hello
This is my first attempt at online journaling. I hope to find that it is as rewarding as writing in an actual journal-perhaps even more so. I seem to be at a point in my life when I need as many outlets as possible, and this looks to be a good one.
I'm 20 years old, living with my boyfriend and our 7 month old baby. It doesn't seem sometimes that I should be in this place, that this is actually my life. But it is, and it is glaringly made real when I have a baby screaming in my ear, pulling my hair, trying with all her strength to push away from me and a boyfriend that couldn't care less about me sometimes it seems. He's such an enigma, I really feel that I'm going to lose my mind sometimes.
I do love our baby, she's one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me. She's truly my pride and joy. But sometimes I wish that she would have come later in my life. But she didn't, and I have to make the best of what I have. And I do have lots of goodness. When there is bad though, even if it isn't that much, it seems to have the power to overshadow any goodness that might be present. It takes a strong person to push it aside and look at the brighter side of life.
Right now, things with Blake (my significant other) are quite good. But it always seems that we're teetering on the brink of shit. Things can go from wonderful to unbearably bad in less than five minutes. He makes things so hard, and I do think that it's unknowingly for the most part. He has thoughts and ideas in his head that he just can't get rid of, no matter how much I try to show him that he and our relationship would be better for it. He's so selfish sometimes, so materialistic, so self-centered and egotistical. He really thinks that he is the shit, and the way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel that he thinks I'm so far below him. But I'm not, I think that if anyone is ahead it's me. Simply because I can open my eyes and at least
I'm 20 years old, living with my boyfriend and our 7 month old baby. It doesn't seem sometimes that I should be in this place, that this is actually my life. But it is, and it is glaringly made real when I have a baby screaming in my ear, pulling my hair, trying with all her strength to push away from me and a boyfriend that couldn't care less about me sometimes it seems. He's such an enigma, I really feel that I'm going to lose my mind sometimes.
I do love our baby, she's one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me. She's truly my pride and joy. But sometimes I wish that she would have come later in my life. But she didn't, and I have to make the best of what I have. And I do have lots of goodness. When there is bad though, even if it isn't that much, it seems to have the power to overshadow any goodness that might be present. It takes a strong person to push it aside and look at the brighter side of life.
Right now, things with Blake (my significant other) are quite good. But it always seems that we're teetering on the brink of shit. Things can go from wonderful to unbearably bad in less than five minutes. He makes things so hard, and I do think that it's unknowingly for the most part. He has thoughts and ideas in his head that he just can't get rid of, no matter how much I try to show him that he and our relationship would be better for it. He's so selfish sometimes, so materialistic, so self-centered and egotistical. He really thinks that he is the shit, and the way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel that he thinks I'm so far below him. But I'm not, I think that if anyone is ahead it's me. Simply because I can open my eyes and at least