411’s WWE Raw Report 01.08.07

Match of the year –

1. Jeff Hardy v Johnny Nitro ***1/2 (NYR)
2. Paul London v Brian Kendrick (SD)
3. Carlito/Ric Flair v Chris Masters/Kenny Dykstra (RAW)

Worst match of the year –

1. John Cena v Kevin Federline (RAW)
2. Maria v Melina (RAW)
3. Ashley Massaro v Jillian Hall (SD)

Yeah, I know K-Fed was impressive for a non-wrestler and did some cool stuff like throwing money on Cena’s body afterwards but there’s no escaping how incredibly and excruiatingly slow paced the match was. For me it didn’t deliver because it didn’t provide the fans with what they wanted to see – Federline getting beat up. They got that at the end of the show but I’d rather they had a self contained angle within the match rather than deliver a pay off later. Hardy-Nitro is a no brainer and the best match from the WWE this year so far. I imagine it won’t stay top for long but kudos to both guys for really turning up and getting the job done at the PPV.

We’re in St Louis, Missouri. Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

• Oh and you lazy fucking marks out there that didn’t vote to keep Five Questions with the Champ on the air on WWE.com? You motherfuckers. Each and every one of you. Or at least the ones that watched it. Frequently the best part of the wrestling week and only five people vote to keep it. Five people! How hard is it to email in and send some love out there. Apathy is a terrible thing people.

• Oh x 2. I’m sure you all know by now but the announcement was made on WWE.com today that Triple H tore his quad again at New Year’s Revolution last night. It’s not as bad as last time and he’ll miss 4-6 months of ring time not the originally projected 8-10 months. That somewhat scuppers Wrestlemania as I hear the plan was Cena-HHH in a re-match from last year. As it stands Cena has no opponent. We’ll see if changes in the booking really come into effect tonight.

CLIPS – Triple H blowing out the quad while performing a spinebuster on Randy Orton. Further clips show the dismantling of Rated RKO. Like the HHH Pedigree w/quad tear on the announce table.

TONIGHT – Donald Trump v Rosie O’Donnell, Rated RKO have a victory celebration and although it’s not mentioned Jeff Hardy defends his IC title against Kenny Dykstra.

PROMO TIME – John Cena

Crowd is moderately supportive. Enough for Cena to stand around and absorb the love. He looks down at his WWE title and puts the mic to his mouth…”the champ…is here”. Cena says last night Estrada went on WWE.com to say that last night was a fluke. He says it wasn’t a fluke it was an ass whupping. “Last night I got my ass kicked”. He says it was 30 minutes (17, ahem) of reminders as to why he was unbeaten for so long. He says he feels damn proud to still be the champ after that. But he’s bugged about Estrada’s comments. Fluke? Cena is in a mood to prove it wasn’t by giving Umaga a title match right here tonight. He says he doesn’t make matches so he asks the crowd if they want to see it. They do but out comes COACH. He says Umaga has the night off so that match won’t happen. Cena reminds us that the same stipulation happens all the time and the guy always shows up. Coach says Umaga isn’t here but Cena is so he has a match. He says at New Year certain contracts expired. So certain guys are able to be signed. Here’s Cena’s none title opponent tonight – GREAT KHALI. Cena looks scared. Khali towers over Cena. Coach won’t let them fight right now. They’re saving that for later.

Sidenote – they’re booking Cena like Hogan. Build up a monster to face him then move him on to the next one when that monster is vanquished.

CLIPS Donald v Rosie. They’ve been at each others necks for weeks verbally.

BACKSTAGE Vince McMahon introduces himself and says there have been matches that have changed the course of wrestling. Austin-Rock, Hogan-Andre, Sammartino-Graham. Tonight he thinks will be another – Trump-O’Donnell. Brash billionaire v left leaning lesbian. After the break we come back to Vince again who talks to Rosie O’Donnell. That’d be a fake then. Rosie gets stuck into some cake. Vince talks about tonight’s match. Rosie says she’ll devour the Donald as she tucks into some fudge. Vince goes for a bite but Rosie hisses at him. Heh.

IC title – JEFF HARDY (c) v KENNY DYKSTRA

We get clips of the finish on the IC title match from last night then clips from Kenny-Flair too. JR points out if Kenny wins he’ll be the youngest IC champ, ever. They run some near misses until Hardy hits his mule kick and the corner dropkick. Kenny bails out but Hardy hits a dropkick through the ropes and a pescado. Ad break. We come back with Kenny working a chinlock. During the break Hardy went for Whisper in the Wind but got shoved off the top onto the rail. Swinging neckbreaker from Kenny followed by punches. Short arm clotheslines from Kenny gets 2. Flying back elbow gets 2. Hardy counters into a jawbreaker to turn the tide back in his favour. He hits a few clotheslines and the Whisper in the Wind gets 2. Kenny tries to jump off the top himself, which gets him a boot in the guts. Out comes JOHNNY NITRO to grab Hardy’s foot. But on the other side RIC FLAIR runs in to nut shot Kenny. Twist of Fate. Swanton bomb and Jeff retains at 7.56.

Winner: Jeff Hardy via pinfall. *1/2. That was ok but most of the match went down during the break.

BACKSTAGE “Rosie” eats a muffin and looks at entering the diva’s locker room. She’s in there.

CLIPS – Triple H being injured last night. JR talks us through the MRI in Birmingham, Alabama. He tells us the quad tear will put Triple H out for 4-6 months.

BACKSTAGE “Rosie” shows her vacation photos to Maria and Candice while glancing down their cleavage. She accidentally drops her pictures and checks out Maria’s ass when she bends over. “I really think she liked my outfit” – Maria.

ELSEWHERE Todd Grisham interviews Great Khali. This is preceded by a promo tape of Khali’s WWE run so far. Loads of chokebombs. Grisham asks him what kind of impact he wants to make tonight but Khali responds in foreign. Crowd WHAT’s at him. The announcers talk about how strong Khali is and how Taker said he was the strongest guy he’d ever met.

CLIPS – Donald Trump-Rosie O’Donnell again.

BACKSTAGE Melina and Victoria walk. They have a match next.

VICTORIA/MELINA PEREZ v MICKIE JAMES/MARIA KANELLIS

Ohhh, so much hotness. JR does some serious hard selling on his Skittles plug there. Melina starts with Mickie and Mickie controls with an arm ringer. Maria in to ride Melina Broncobuster style. Yee Ha! Melina pushes Maria back into the heel corner where Victoria comes in to stretch her. Slap for Mickie. Melina back in for a corner shoulder charge. Snapmare into a headscissors. “Strong legs, great flexibility” – JR. Mickie gets punked off the apron too. Victoria in for some double team action but Mickie takes no shit and dives in there to clean house. Heels miscue with Victoria slapping Melina. Maria rolls her up for 2. Mickie hits the Thesz press on Victoria off the apron. Melina with a bulldog on Mickie at 2.57 for the pin.

Winners: Victoria/Melina Perez via pinfall. ½*.

BACKSTAGE the fake Donald Trump fixes his hair.

WRESTLEMANIA RECALL – Wrestlemania XX. Goldberg v Lesnar. The recap focuses more on Austin hitting a bunch of Stunners.

ROSIE O’DONNELL v DONALD TRUMP

Vince McMahon is out here to introduce it. Vince takes a few shots at the celebrities. “Here in all her lesbionic fury” is Rosie. “Weighing in at God knows what” and a “double chinned diva”. Crowd totally sits on it’s hands. Vince introduces the Donald as a “personal friend of mine”. “Donald” is about 40 years too young. Is that Johnny Jeter? The impersonators continue to badmouth each other at the referee’s instructions. “Rosie” bails for some cake and to warn JR not to touch it. Donald does some power pointing. Is that Ace Steel? Rosie overpowers in the collar & elbow tie up. Donald complains of his haircut getting messed up. More jawing. Rosie overpowers again. “This match sucks” – St Louis. Donald has had enough and takes his jacket off. Donald with a headlock and he shouts out requests for BBQ sauce at JR. He runs the ropes but bounces off twice. Rosie with a Thesz press and fists of fire. Urgh. Donald nearly loses his hair. “My hair, my hair”. “Boring” – St Louis. Rosie does the Hogan hand cupping and assorted poses. Donald with a headbutt as he channels the power of his $500 haircut. Donald goes for a slam but Rosie is too heavy and falls on top…for 2. Crowd boos the lack of finish. Rosie misses a running splash. Donald bails for the cake. NOT FUDGEY THE WHALE! Rosie gets a face full of fudge that manages to knock one of her shoes off. Donald with a diving hairbutt for the win at 5.54.

Winner: Donald Trump via pinfall. -****. Quite possibly the most offensive and terrible match the WWE has put on in years.

CARLITO v CHRIS MASTERS

Re-match from last night because Masters cheated on the pin. Brawl to start. Carlito gets the better of that and hits a springboard crossbody for 2. Masters hits a press slam and stomps Carlito down in the corner. But out comes TORRIE WILSON to give Carlito moral support. Masters with a clothesline for 2. Torrie tries to get Carlito fired up but Masters is wailing on his spine. BORE-HUG. Carlito elbows out but runs into a powerslam for 2. Back to the BORE-HUG. That last match killed the crowd. Masters spots Torrie cheerleading and jaws with her. Carlito takes advantage with a dropkick. Torrie smacks Masters in the leg with the ring bell. BACKCRACKER! Carlito gets the pin at 3.40

Winner: Carlito via pinfall. A day late after ruining my PPV predictions ‘Lito. ½*.

CLIPS – Rated RKO v DX last night. AGAIN.

PROMO TIME – Rated RKO

They’re out here for a celebration. Orton has a neck brace and they have some makeup on as well as their actual injuries. Orton says they all talked smack before the PPV. We get HHH’s promo from last week about leaving Rated RKO in a twisted broken heap in the middle of the ring. Orton says that DX kept their word. But he says they made a promise last night where they promised to end DX at the PPV. Orton says they lost a battle but won the war. He reminds us how badly they got beat up last night. Orton says all the blood they lost was worth it because Triple H tore his quad. Orton says that HHH is finished. Orton says that means DX is over. Edge gets the stick to say last night was a war. He says everyone talks big in this company but they actually back it up. Edge reminds us of everyone that tried to take out DX. Spirit Squad, Big Show and the McMahons. Edge says they finish the job next week by finishing off Shawn Michaels in a handicap match. He’s out to end Shawn’s legacy once and for all. DX is on life support and next week they’re going to pull the plug. But here comes the DX music and out comes SHAWN MICHAELS. “HBK”. He says he’s out here for the fans. Is this the end of DX? He doesn’t know but his best friend is in hospital in Alabama. Crowd chants “Triple H” out of respect. He’ll be there to make sure he’s ok. As for Rated RKO, Shawn will deal with them next week.

CRYME TYME v TEXAS RANGERS

This was the final match in the gauntlet #1 contenders match last night. Shad & Cade start out. Shad runs clean through Cade. Murdoch gets laid out off the apron. Cryme Tyme bounce Cade around. Cade goes to Shad’s eyes and Murdoch boots him in the face. Cade with clubbing. JTG takes the turnbuckle cover off in his corner. Shad gets more of a beating off the Rangers. Shad boots Cade over. JTG gets the tag and cleans house with dropkicks. Backdrop for Murdoch. Up top and JTG hits a missile dropkick on Cade. Murdoch sees the exposed buckle but not in time as Shad bounces his head off it for the JTG pin at 3.06.

Winners: Cryme Tyme via pinfall. ¼*. That was really bad. Shad’s strengths don’t lie in selling and taking beatdowns.

THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY: January 11th 1993. First episode of Monday Night RAW. Since then they’ve done 700 episodes. We get some clips from the night and the past 14 years.

CLIPS – Donald v Rosie. Oh for….

BACKSTAGE “Rosie” cries. Ron Simmons walks in. “Damn”. Keep earning that paycheck Ron.

RINGSIDE – Lawler has Vladimir Kozlov for an interview. He’s asked about Donald-Rosie. “It was werry entertainment”. He thinks he can beat Khali. And Cena. “I love dubble dubble eee”.

BACKSTAGE Eugene rambles about how he likes Cena and how beat Umaga. Khali shows up and shakes his head. Eugene runs off. Armando Estrada joins the commentary team.

GREAT KHALI v JOHN CENA

Estrada once again states last night was a fluke. Cena jogs around Khali a bit before bouncing off. Strong clothesline from Khali. Cena bails where Estrada badmouths him. Cena back in to try for a slam. No dice. He’s clubbed down. Khali measures a few strikes. Estrada has a chair. Cena takes it off him and bashes Khali for the DQ at 1.42. Khali no sells it.

Winner: Great Khali via DQ. DUD.

POST MATCH Khali chokebombs Cena and stands over the body. Estrada calls Umaga in here, which reinforces what Cena said earlier. Cena takes the butt avalanche. Samoan Spike.